#though i do think suspicion should be higher

[deficd]

𝑫𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒕 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝑻𝒆𝒔𝒕

You are a very difficult person to get along with (77.86%).

tagged by: @petitsdieu <3

tagging: @vuulpecula @red-white-and-trauma @nightmarefuele @godresembled @hymnoire

@eaglestcr @inn0cencestrained and YOU!

[riality-check]

Viktor thinks his leg should go without saying. Everyone else seems to disagree.

He is a cripple, not deaf or blind. He is perfectly capable of hearing the whispers over the thud of his cane as he passes by, not so focused on walking that he cannot see the way their gazes track him as he shuffles down the Academy’s halls.

There are too many stairs in the Academy, he is finding. Every time he encounters another set, he grits his teeth, hefts his bag a little higher on his left shoulder, and climbs, despite the growing ache in his right hip and the inordinate weight of the tomes he carries.

There is only the work, he reminds himself.

The number of people does not shrink as he climbs up to the fourth floor. They eye him in a way he cannot easily describe. It is not… hate, that is in their eyes. It is not quite suspicion, though Viktor is sure it would be were it not for the too-loose, too-stiff, too-fine Academy uniform he is wearing. It was a courtesy of Professor Heimerdinger, who had sent it along with the books and a map of the Academy, annotated with Viktor’s class schedule.

Heimerdinger has worse handwriting than the “doctors” Viktor is well acquainted with in the Undercity. Hence the early-morning visit to his office, where he is the entertainment for the other early Academy students. The ones who are more assured of their belonging here, if he can judge by their jewelry and their shoes.

(He wears no jewelry, has never owned any, and he stapled the outsole of his right shoe back together this morning.)

The other students, congregated around classroom doorways in their impenetrable social groups, stare at him in the same way he used to look at strays back home. They were a good source of amusement, given the absence of human company that plagued his childhood. He liked those animals. He fed them when he could, pet them when he couldn’t, and learned early how to tell when one would bite.

He realizes, as he spots the plaque outside of Heimderdinger’s office, that these students stare at him like that. They smirk with bemusement or avoid his gaze altogether. They hide their remarks poorly behind their hands.

They regard Viktor as a stray. Something to pity. Something to be cautious of. Something to be nice to, if he can prove himself by rolling over enough times.

Viktor supposes he is a stray, with how Heimerdinger plucked him off the streets of the Undercity and gave him a new “home.” What, does he now need a bell around his neck? Perform tricks?

He breathes and takes a moment to unclench his right hand from around his cane before it cramps too much to be useful. He resolves to do what he has done all his life: ignore the way they make him a spectacle, though they are worse up here, like they have never seen a cripple before.

Maybe topsiders have not. Viktor cannot recall seeing anyone like him so far.

He knocks on the office door before his brain can take him too far down that path. Unproductive.

Heimerdinger answers promptly. It is odd for Viktor, at his height, to have a superior he must look down at. He supposes it is something else he must get used to.

“Viktor,” the professor says, surprised, though he does let him in. “It’s early. Very early, my boy. Classes don’t begin for another half an hour.”

Viktor stands in front of the massive, dark wood desk and waits for Heimerdinger to sit back in his chair before he says, “Your map is illegible, and there are too many stairs.”

Undercity habits beget speaking quickly and directly; in an environment in which nothing is wasted, words are no exception. Topsiders, however, can afford waste.

“Professor,” Viktor tacks on in a too-late attempt to adhere to topside standards of respectability.

Heimerdinger, thankfully, chuckles. “Terribly sorry. You’d think that after enough decades of scribbling on blackboards, I could use a pen well enough.”

Well, no. After seeing this map, Viktor began to fear for this man’s students, himself included. Professor Heimerdinger teaches his introductory engineering course.

He draws up a new map, humming as he works. With nothing else to occupy himself, Viktor leans his cane against the desk, placing both hands on top of the furniture to take some weight off his hip, and surveys the office.

A bookshelf, matching the dark wood of the desk, stands along the far wall. Its shelves are bowed under the weight of the tomes it contains. Most of the spines are in languages he can read, some are not, and his fingers twitch toward them all the same. He stands on a plush, patterned rug - that explains the instability of his cane, and of his leg, he should rest a little more weight on this immovable desk - that would be better used as a blanket down below. Trinkets and baubles clutter the desk, the biggest of which is a globe. It spins of its own accord, illuminated by… something.

Viktor wants to take it apart. See how it works.

He takes his weight off the desk to kill that temptation and barely muffles a hiss at the flare of pain that shoots up his right leg from ankle to hip. He stretches his right hand surreptitiously behind his back, preparing to grab his cane once again.

This office looks exactly as he had expected it to from his one previous meeting with Professor Heimerdinger. It is practical… by topside standards; it is as large as his kitchen and bedroom back home put together, and any one of the items on the desk could pay three months’ rent, though that is… “low-balling” it, as he has heard some people say.

“Here you are,” Heimerdinger says, handing him the new, blessedly legible map.

Viktor takes it and scans it quickly. His first course is on this floor, thank goodness, but the rest…

“Professor, these are,” he pauses, trying to think of how to phrase his concern. He cannot seem ungrateful, not when Heimerdinger has already helped him and when he has him later for class, and he cannot be annoying, not when he was already ignored when he brought up the stairs the first time. 

But his leg screams at him, and to prevent the pain from giving him a sympathetic headache, as sometimes happens, he grabs his cane. To hell with the hand cramps.

“Is there any way to have all my classes on the first floor?” he finally says.

Heimerdinger glances at his cane, and his furry eyebrows raise. This is not the first time he has seen it, but Viktor thinks it is the first time the professor remembered it was there, or that it meant something besides… well, he does not know. A fashion statement, maybe?

Perhaps topsiders haven’t seen a cripple before. They would see plenty if they ever went down.

“We can’t move classes this late, I’m afraid,” Heimerdinger says sympathetically.

Viktor hears the unspoken “but if you had asked earlier” and bites his tongue against excuses.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I will manage.” And Viktor will, because Undercity habits mean that opportunities are not wasted either. A little pain is worth it. It will be no more difficult than anything he has already done.

Heimerdinger hops down from behind his desk and totters toward the door. As he passes Viktor, he pauses and makes an aborted movement to reach out to him before correcting course.

At least he stopped himself, but that was probably only for practical reasons. Unless Heimerdinger wished to replace his cane altogether - and what a shoddy replacement his bouncing steps would be for solid wood - there is nothing he can do.

And Viktor can walk on his own just fine. It is why he has the cane in the first place.

He grips the map a little tighter, hefts his bag onto his shoulder, and turns toward the door.

He makes it one step (on his injured leg, cane in his right hand) before Heimerdinger asks, “Viktor, which one of your legs is the bad one?”

He grits his teeth. There is no moral attribution to his body. It is neither good nor bad. It just has parts that work and parts that do not. He has one leg that works and one that does not. If he could chastise it into functioning by calling it “bad,” it would have been fixed when he was a child. But that is not how it works, and it is wasted energy.

“My right leg, Professor,” he says because he always wishes that any and all conversations about his leg be redirected to important matters as soon as possible.

Heimerdinger hums. “You’re using your cane incorrectly. You should hold it in your left hand, not your right.”

He mimes the motion, and Viktor tries not to feel… insulted? Ashamed? Coddled? Belittled? He cannot quite put a finger on it.

But there is no time for him to articulate it. Heimerdinger checks his pocket watch, squeaks, and runs faster than Viktor estimated his legs could carry him, leaving him alone in the threshold of the hallway.

He tries Heimerdinger’s suggestion, out of curiosity. The class is on this floor, and he has more than enough time to get there.

When he was a boy, no one taught him how to use a cane. He did what felt natural and what let him move the fastest. It was awkward, sure, but anything that caused him less pain was deemed a success.

It is awkward now, with the cane in his left hand. Slower as he walks down the hallway, because it is new. But it is more stable, he finds. A little less painful, as the pain stays localized to his ankle and knee, rather than his hip.

He could get used to it rather quickly, once he stops feeling so stupid about not knowing.

As he gets to his first class - it is in a room bigger than most big Undercity shops - the thump of his cane and his slow pace prompt more students and even his professor to stare at him. Viktor takes the closest open seat and is briefly, ludicrously, tempted to bark at them.

If they are going to treat him like a stray animal, should he not act like one?

No. He should not. Nothing is wasted, least of all this opportunity. He ducks his head down and opens a book on subjects he knows, matters he gets right, instead of wrong, like how to use his own cane, apparently.

Viktor thought he knew the comprehensive list of all his nonworking parts: the leg, of course, but also the childhood rickets, his lungs, his spine, the calcium deficiency that left his teeth stained slightly more yellow than topsiders’, whatever made him bendier than the average person, and not always in a good way.

Evidently, topside is intent on adding more to that list. Like the cane.

It does not matter. When he is the only one in the lecture hall who can answer the professor’s question - a leading one that she said they will know by the end of the semester - as a largely self-taught trencher, he relaxes. He even smiles.

There is only the work.

Read a continuation here. And another one here. And even more here. And another. And one more.

[oppopotamus]

Shoe riding

gojo satoru x top male reader

Warning: nsfw, gojo has a pussy, shoe riding, face slapping (like once), name calling (slut, baby, sweetheart etc), face riding, face sitting, sending nudes, kind of mean reader??

Satoru had always been a little shit, that much was known but nobody knew how much of a tease he was.

Satoru had one of his very few 'free days' where he can take time off of work, it was very rare for Satoru to ever get any sort of break.

Usually you take time off of work to spend it with Satoru since you don't get to see him that much.

Though unfortunately, you were called into work late as it was understaffed and many we're sick and you were the last resort basically.

Satoru begged you to stay, saying he'd do absolutely anything. Whether that be paying you for the next week until you got your next paycheck, or by doing something a little bit more... Scandalous.

You were extremely tempted to take that offer but your boss had threatened you that you'd lose your job if you took yet another day off.

So, you had no choice but to go in.

Satoru was feeling grumpy as he walked around your shared house, he just wanted to lounge around in bed all day with you!

I mean, he's plently rich enough to pay for both of you but you insisted that you didn't want him paying for everything.

Satoru finally had an amazing idea. Well, amazing to him atleast.

Satoru stood infront of the full length mirror that stood in your bedroom. He was wearing nothing but the pretty white lingerie you had brought him a while back which he never really got to wear, thought today he was going to show you how much he loved the gift.

Satoru got his phone camera ready and started taking pictures, many, many pictures. He posed in ways he knew would get your attention and posed in ways he didn't even know how he did!

Just to show you how flexible he was, of course.

Satoru selected the pictures he had thought were the best, all in the lingerie he hadn't taken any nude selfies. Not yet atleast.

He finally sended them to you, he didn't know if you would reply or even if you would see the message.

When you get a text on your phone from the one and only Satoru Gojo you think it's important enough to open.

Once you open them your calm demeanor disappears and you cough to avoid suspicion.

"Are you quite alright, (Name)?" One of your coworkers asks, "Yes, perfectly fine. Just got a bit of a cough."

"Don't you think you should head home then?" Another nosy coworker asks after listening in on your conversation as per usual with them. All your coworkers were very nosy people.

"Ah, boss wouldn't let me head home even if I asked." You said sadly, the photos would not get out of your head. Gojo in all those pretty poses, just begging for you to take him.

You try and shake the thoughts out of your head and attempt to think of something different in hopes your red face would disappear.

"Your face is burning up! (Name), you should really head home. If the boss doesn't let you leave I'll give him a piece of my mind!" The lady you we're just talking to before says.

"Ah, thank you very much but there's no need. I'm sure I'll be fine." You say, before you get another text from Gojo.

This time he's posed so he's sitting on the ground with his legs spread and facing the mirror so you can see everything through the thin fabric of the lingerie.

The photo had been sent with a text below it simply saying, 'come take it off for me?'

Oh god, you were in trouble. You could feel your pants start to get tighter. You don't know how you can even attempt to keep your cool now.

As if on que, your boss comes strolling in asking you where you've been and that you need to report to his office at once to approve some documents.

You're about to follow before a coworker pipes up saying, "He is much to sick, sir! (Name) can absolutely not work in these conditions!"

"I second that! If you don't excuse (Name) from work I'll take it to the higher ups and report you for not letting a sick employee go home." Another coworker says firmly.

You can almost see veins popping out of his head in anger so your boss decided it would just be easier to send you home than having to deal with the higher ups.

"Fine! (Name)... You're free to go home." Your boss says, you can sense the anger coming from him so you quickly pack up your things, saying a small 'thank you' to your coworkers who helped you out.

You're just getting into your car as you get another message from Gojo with yet another photo.

This time the image is of him still with he legs spread except he has moved the lingerie so it shows off his pretty pussy.

Fuck. This man is going to be the death of you.

You send him a message saying 'I'm coming home now. You've been bad, Satoru. Get ready.'

You can practically see Satorus scared face through the screen.

You start your car and head back home, once there you park the car and head to open the door.

You stop in the front entrance and take off your blazer and hang it on the coat rack.

You head up to the bedroom door and open it. "I'm home, Satoru-" You don't finish your sentence before you stop and stare in wonder of how pretty Satoru is.

Satoru's sitting down on the bed, patiently waiting there with his knees under him.

You walk over to him, standing above the bed with your tall height towering over him. You bring a hand out to cup his chin and raise it so he's staring right at you.

"Such a pretty boy. Aren't you, 'toru?" You ask, though you get no answer back. "So very pretty. Too bad you're such a brat." You spit out the last words and raise a hand across his cheek, slapping him. Not enough to really hurt but enough to make him gasp from shock.

Gojo whimpers as you drag him forward, he has to put his hands out to stabilise himself so he doesn't fall off the bed.

"Just a slut, aren't you? Can't even wait a few hours for me to come home. You just had to interfere with my work."

"M'sorry.." Gojo says in response, he's not really sorry at all. He loves the way you act when you get this way.

He'd do it all over again and you know he will, whenever that may be. He's just too much of a slut.

"On your knees." You say gesturing to the side of the bed where you currently stand.

You turn around and sit down on the bed as Gojo scrambles to sit down infront of you.

Once he's sitting on his knees infront of you, you gesture for him to move forward. He does so he's awkwardly sitting there between you legs, he begins reaching out to your crotch before you stop him.

"No, sweetheart. I want you to ride my shoe. I'm not helping you get off today, you've already interrupted my day enough."

Satoru gulps at that and hesitates before he sits atop one of your shoes.

"Like this?" Satoru asks, "Yeah, just like that, baby. Good job." You smile down at him and Gojo suddenly feels proud, as if he's such a good boy, just for you.

Satoru finally starts moving, moaning out as his clit comes in contact with your shoe. He moves forwards and back again, it's not nearly as pleasurable as when you touch him.

He has no idea whether this will make him cum or not. He feels good but it doesn't feel quite enough.

"P..Please.. Need- Ah!" Satoru moans out as he ruts back and forth on your shoe, getting it dirty with his wetness.

"Hm? Tell me what it is you need." You say down at him as you play with his hair while he moves faster and faster against your shoe.

"C-can't." He says shaking his head side to side fastly while he shuts his eyes tightly so he can't see you looking down at him. You know that he will get a headache if he keeps doing that so you grab his chin and force him to look up at you.

"Look at me and tell me what it is you need, baby." You command. He finally cracks his eyes open and looks up at you.

"Need you..." He says, "I'm right here, sweetheart. Tell me what you want me to do okay?" You say while smiling down at him.

"P-please.. Want you to touch me."

"But I'm already touching you, baby. See? You're humping my foot like some dog."

"No.. I mean-" You cut Satoru off and grab his chin tighter, causing him to squeak in surprise.

"You've been such a little slut today, you know? I don't think you deserve to have your way. I think you should just sit there and do what I say. Understood?" Satoru whined at the harsh words but nods anyways, continuing to grind on your shoe.

He lets out groans and whimpers but he soon realizes that just humping your shoe is not nearly enough to get him off.

He wants you touching him, with your hands or for you to have his cock inside him, stretching him open till he cries from pleasure and pain.

Though apparently that's not going to happen today and it makes him whine.

He pleads and begs you, he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore, he's just spewing out words.

You reach down and yank his hair back, he yelps in pain and grips your leg tightly.

"Please!" He whines out, moving faster trying to chase that release he so desperately wants.

You sigh, "Fine, come up here." You say moving back on the bed and lay down.

He crawls up with a dazed smile on his face, and straddles you.

"C'mere baby." You say grabbing his hips and pulling him up to sit on your face. Satoru hesitates for a moment before lowering himself down.

"Ah!" He moans out as you move your tongue inside him. He grinds down on your face, you feel his juices spreading across your face as he moves back and forth.

Satoru moans out as he feels his release finally creeping up.

He's not going to last long, he knows he's going to cum any second. Riding your shoe made him get so close but not nearly far enough.

He repeats your name over and over, getting so close to his release. His clit rubs over your nose while you tongue at his hole.

You're starting to get slightly light headed with him on your face but you know it's not going to be much longer until he cums so you're not worried.

"(Name)! I'm gonna- Oh god-" Just before he finishes his sentence he's squirting all over your face, wetting it.

He sits and breathes heavily for a moment until he calms down and rises off of your face.

"Haah.. Thank you.." He says, looking down at you with a dumb smile on his face.

[nakahras]

᯽ lost in the fire • chuuya nakahara

synopsis • you’re next in line for the executive spot that’s been opened up by fyodor dostoevsky killing ace. the job was already practically yours, all you need is the expected unanimous vote from the rest of the executives to guarantee you the position. but when have your expectations ever been met?

warnings • lower case intentional, swearing, threats of violence, mentions of guns and knives, reader causes minor harm to chuuya, depictions of panic attacks, chuuya unintentionally mansplaining :)

wc • 6.5k

a/n • this fic was sm fun to write. i wanted to wait to post but all of my other wips are unfinished so you guys get this one early <3

reader’s ability: the emissary (yoko tawada) - the ability to manipulate money, wealth and anything related to them. the user can create, shape and manipulate money, currency and wealth; including coinage, notes, gems/jewels and anything that is used as currency. this also includes any currency that is digitalized.

secondary to physical currency, the user is also able to manipulate a person’s life currency: time. the user can take and give years as they please.

you’ve always considered yourself an extremely patient person. always the perfect picture of calm and collected in the face of frustration. you’ve been patient, waited your turn. you waited when dazai was given the colonel’s executive spot while you were “gifted” second hand to a man that you would compare to a snake — but that would be an insult to their species. you were patient with your superior, even though you loathed him and only reported to him under the request of mori himself. you were patient with your subordinates, the ones you had to manage because ace simply couldn’t be bothered to do so himself. then you were patient, again, and waited your turn when chuuya was gifted another emptied executive position after that. 

you bode your time, knowing that eventually it would come in due time. 

so, when it was reported to you that ace had kicked the bucket thanks to his arrogance and the aid of one fyodor dostoevsky, you were over the moon. if he wasn’t a current threat to yokohama and by association, the port mafia, you think you could kiss the russian. a huge, grating and irritating weight has finally been lifted from your shoulders and it has been all thanks to him.

your subordinates came to you gushing about how lucky you were to not get caught up in the crosshairs of that situation and get killed yourself. you almost snort at the irony. ace never wanted you near his ship, his suspicions of you being his handler (courtesy of mori of course) were growing stronger by the day. instead, he made you do all of his port mafia duties, including standing in as acting executive in meetings with the higher ups instead of going himself. you weren’t complaining though, you’d rather a bullet be put through your head then to step foot on that ship. you’re not and never have been immune to sea sickness.

it’s definitely safe to say you aren’t mourning ace. sure, he brought in extra funds, but your ability is just as - if not more - useful in funding mori’s whims as well as the port mafia. 

naturally, you’re expected to completely take over the role of executive following ace’s death. everyone expects it. you expect it. you’ve waited patiently for this day. you deserved this. the vote in the decision to make you an executive should have been unanimous. “should” being the operative word here.

you can tell kouyou is trying to deliver the blow as gently as she can but your eye is twitching and you’re clenching your fists so hard you can feel your freshly manicured nails digging into the palm of your hands, effectively breaking skin. “you have nothing to worry about, sunshine. just because the vote wasn’t unanimous, doesn’t mean mori isn’t still going to promote you. the vote is more of a formality. mori just has to let the dust settle before making his final decision.”

“i’m going to kill verlaine.” you don’t miss a beat, you’re seething, smoke practically billowing out of your ears. “he knows i’m more than capable of holding my own. i was practically an executive already.”

you miss the way kouyou gets tense at the mention of verlaine in your fit of rage but you don’t miss the way she smiles tightly at you. “verlaine wasn’t the one opposed to you being promoted…”

you immediately stop in your tracks. your mind reeling, trying to catch up with the new information kouyou has presented to you. there are only three of them now, since mori refuses to fill dazai’s spot and now with ace dead… if verlaine wasn’t the one to oppose and obviously kouyou didn’t oppose it, always supporting you — that only left… 

betrayal courses through your veins turning them into a frigid stream so bitter and cold that it stings. there is absolutely no way, right? you try to wrap your head around the implications of what kouyou just said. nauseous, you feel dizzy - sick. you’re going to throw up. you’ve always thought you’ve had chuuya’s support and with good reason because he’s always telling you so. 

actions speak louder than words.

the mantra rings loudly in your head. you’ve always been a strong believer in it, but chuuya? he preaches it constantly, firmly believing that words are worthless if they aren’t followed through with. you admire him for it  - you admire him for a lot of things, honestly - so hearing that he wasn’t practicing what he preached made your blood instantly heat up and boil, the previous cold bite of betrayal melting away.

kouyou takes a step closer and makes a risky calculation by reaching out and stroking your hair soothingly. “i’m sure he meant well, sunshine. you know he had to have a reason.”

“i don’t care if he had a reason. he lied to me, kouyou, and i’m going to find out why.” you bristle and gently but pointedly move away from the executive’s  touch. “where is he?”

“if he’s smart? hiding from you.”

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

kouyou is a traitor.

you think to yourself offhandedly while you storm through the hallways of base, looking for a certain gravity manipulator. the more experienced woman refused to tell you where the traitor was. her penchant for being protective over chuuya, while usually admirable, is highly annoying for this particular situation. so you silently curse her too.

you feel as if you’ve checked every nook and cranny in this building. you even checked the underground torture chambers in your delusional state — thinking maybe he set everything up, as well as himself, on a silver platter for you. of course you wouldn’t have actually done anything but the thought alone is therapeutic all the same. his office is naturally the first place you checked and the only place you have been periodically checking throughout your search. 

as a matter of fact, you’re headed to chuuya’s office for the fourth and final time. you were ready to call it quits, exhausted from the emotions swirling inside of you like a storm. you can’t quite let go of the fact that chuuya doesn’t think you are cut out for this kind of responsibility despite having already had it on your shoulders this entire time. sure you’re angry, you deserve this role. but mostly you’re simply hurt. he knew - no, he knows how hard you’ve worked for this, almost refusing his own offer in order to give it up to you. just so you wouldn’t have to deal with ace’s bullshit anymore.

so what the hell changed? maybe if you could find the bastard, you could ask, but someone must have tipped him off because you can’t locate him anywhere.

in your head, you are side eyeing kouyou so hard right now.

your mind is so preoccupied with cursing the orange haired duo that you aren’t paying attention to your surroundings. you’re caught off guard when you quite literally run into someone on your way to chuuya’s office. you’re almost knocked to the ground when long tendrils of cloth wrap around your waist to steady you.

akutagawa? what was the black-fanged hellhound doing here?

you internally flinch at the thought. you must be far more out of sorts than you originally thought because when have you ever referred to akutagawa by that ridiculous moniker? never. the answer is never. you’ve even endearingly referred to him as a lost puppy a few times just to get a rise out of him. you’ve been pleasantly successful in coaxing a blush out of him every time.

you pat the cloth reassuringly as a signal to let the younger man know you’re alright. “thank you, ryunosuke, for catching me and sorry about running into you. my head isn’t quite here today.”

akutagawa’s brow is creased as he nods. you take a moment to really acknowledge his presence as a distraction. you need to get a hold of yourself and focusing on something else would certainly do the trick.

akutagawa seems entirely too rigid with how tense his muscles are and his pursed lips. he doesn’t usually hold the most approachable expressions on a good day, but this is a little much even for him. you watch him tug on one of the silver rings adorning his bottom lip, one of his biggest nervous ticks — it’s always subtle, you wouldn’t even notice it if you didn’t know the younger man so well. his fingertips twitch around the envelope he’s holding and that’s when you realize the direction he was coming from.

that’s a mission assignment he’s holding and considering the only thing down this particular hallway is chuuya’s office…

your eyes narrow and gaze pointedly zeroes in on the report being held by his twitching hands.

“what’s that in your hand? it looks an awful lot like a mission assignment.” your eyes linger on the crisp envelope. it didn’t have the wear and tear akutagawa's reports usually had. so he had to have just been given the mission.

his only direct superior, other than mori himself, is chuuya. your eye twitches at the thought. he’s around here somewhere and you just got the confirmation you needed to know that the ginger is actively avoiding you. you suppose kouyou is right when she praises the man for being smart because at least he has enough sense to stay out of your way after making such a bold decision about your future in this organization before explaining it to you first. 

you watch the horror flit across akutagawa’s face when he realizes you know. the younger man shifts the envelope behind him in an attempt to hide it but he knows. he knows the damage has already been done. akutagawa has accidentally condemned chuuya to a fate probably worse than death, if the look on your face was anything to go by.

loyal to the very end, the high ranking subordinate shifts, almost as if to block the hallway behind him. you let out an exasperated sigh when you realize what’s going on. you neither have the time or energy for this game.

“akutagawa…i realize we’re technically of the same rank but we both know it’s best if you continue about whatever it is you were doing before running into me. understand?” the black and silver haired young man hesitates, feet still glued in place and you let out another annoyed sigh, this time pinching the bridge of your nose. “this is between me and your superior. don’t get yourself involved. i’m not going to kill him.”

akutagawa’s gaze shifts and eyebrows furrow as if…

oh this has to be a joke.

the sickly man is clearly on comms with someone and by the looks of it, whoever is on the other end is telling him to stand down because he finally moves to the side and out of your way. you’re fuming at this point, clearly your omission of not killing chuuya was enough to ease his mind but you never said anything about not hurting the coward. a fitting word for the ginger at this moment. far too cowardly to tell you the truth. far too cowardly to tell you his intentions. 

far too cowardly to face you afterwards. 

your perfectly manicured hand gently cups akutagawa’s shoulder and you lean into his ear, knowing his comm piece is snuggly nestled in it. 

“the first smart move you’ve made all day…” you’re leaning back as quickly as you were leaning in and offer your flustered colleague a sweet smile. “thank you for entertaining me, have a good rest of your day, ryunosuke!”

you leave akutagawa standing in bewilderment, wondering what the fuck just happenned as you practically skip down the hallway to chuuya’s office.

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

you blink 3 times. twice normally and then once harshly, squeezing your eyes shut tightly as if that would make chuuya appear before you. you’ve scanned over his office several times. even checking the wardrobe he keeps in there and under the desk. 

you stopped looking about 10 minutes ago and decided, instead, to glare at the open window you now assume the executive used to flee out of. 

coward.

you’re exhausted. you’ve been on this wild goose hunt all day, you just want to go back to your apartment and sleep. you know kouyou reassured you that chuuya’s vote wasn’t damning but you can’t help the anxiety creeping into your chest and crawling up your esophagus making it burn. you’re sick with the idea that you’ll never make it higher in this organization. always having to answer to more than just one person.

not only is chuuya a coward but he’s cruel too. lying to you all this time, giving you a false sense of security of where you stand with him. a false sense of hope had been blanketed over you by his honey filled lies.

you can feel your body begin to tremble, working yourself at the thoughts swirling a storm in your mind. you try to take a calming breath but it comes out shuddered. you lean against the front of chuuya’s desk and close your eyes as you allow your head to fall back. your face scrunches and you let out a frustrated groan while bringing your hands up to cover your face. your hands move up and fingers through your hair while taking a deep breath. you pick your head back up and finally reopen your eyes. 

you finally let out a sigh of defeat. chuuya’s won- for today- you’re officially resigning from your search. you can’t help but to give his office one last scan before kicking yourself off the almost comically huge desk and making your way to his door. 

you reach out for the door handle, grimacing. this can’t be how you end the day, you know you’ve resigned, but the thought of letting chuuya get away with this for the night makes your stomach churn. you stand there for a moment when a brilliant idea comes to mind. you want to try something. 

you turn the knob, open the door, count to 10, and then close the door. it takes all of  roughly 5 seconds for your plan to actually work. the room somehow seems to darken and that’s when you notice it, a strange shadow being cast from the ceiling behind you. a shadow that’s, oddly enough, in the same shape as one certain port mafia executive. your hand slowly drops from the door handle but not before effectively locking it. 

“hey, jackass, do you think you’re funny?” you start speaking before you turn around to look at him.

the ginger stops dead in his tracks. he’s trying to sneak back into his own office. despite your question to him you almost bark out a laugh at the absurdity of it. almost.

chuuya blanches, staring at you with wide eyes and you watch as he contemplates running, eyes darting back to the opened window. 

“you better not be trying to haul your carrot top ass out that window right now. you and i need to have a word, but i’m not talking to you like this. get off the damn ceiling.”

the executive gives you a weary look and decidedly does not come down from the ceiling, where he’s deemed safe from you.

 your eye twitches, patience having thinned a long time ago. “port mafia executive, nakahara chuuya, get your ass down here. right. now.” 

 chuuya prides himself in not flinching at your tone and use of his title. so much so that he thinks he might let it get to his head a little too much when he says, “y’know, doll, when trying to coax someone into doing something, they don’t usually respond well to demands.”

your expression hardens and nostrils flare, chuuya doesn’t think he’s ever seen you this upset. he tries to conjure up a sane reason as to what possessed him to say something like that to you in this situation. he only comes up with one viable answer: sheer visceral stupidity. he’s simply an idiot. the ginger contemplates letting you kill him right then and there in this moment. he deserves it, especially after that comment.

you don’t miss a beat. your hand raises, gun in a vice grip and you shoot. one, two, then three quick and scattered shots. you know well he can stop them easily. in fact you planned on it. you needed him distracted as you reach your other hand around to your thigh holster and grasp your throwing knife. while preoccupied by the bullets you toss the knife right next to his head, the chain on his hat breaking and the knife taking a small slice of chuuya’s cheek and ear with it before lodging into the ceiling as a warning.

you’re both still for a moment, chuuya looks oddly impressed while you’re trying to figure out what just happened, having blacked out in your fit of rage. 

“…well. ‘spose i can’t say i didn’t deserve that…” chuuya lets out a nervous chuckle but clearly you’re not amused.

in fact, you look even more irate than before. 

“really? really, chuuya? this isn’t a joke. i’m. tired. do you know what i’ve been doing all day? actually- of course you know what i’ve been doing all day because you’ve been avoiding me all day. tell me- did you take brain damage the last time you were in corruption? did that freak let you simmer in that state just a little too long? it’s the only reasonable explanation i’ve come up with all day for what you did in that executive meeting-“ you let out a frustrated noise as your words start to blend together the longer you speak and your neck screams at you. ”jesus christ, chuuya, would you get down from that god damn ceiling? my neck is starting to hurt and that’s the last thing i need right now-” 

your voice breaks off, the storm of emotions that you’ve been successfully avoiding all day pouring over you all at once. your chest is constricting, feeling as if it’s caving in on itself. your breathing is labored and you recognize that the looming anxiety has finally taken over. your body is trembling. you need to breathe. in through your nose and out through your mouth. you try, you swear you try to concentrate on your breathing but the only person that’s been able to get you out of this state successfully refuses to get off that godforsaken ceiling.

you count.

one.

two.

three.

four.

five.

what’s your favorite color? favorite meal? what's something you could touch and feel in this very moment? your necklace. the one with your birthstone nestled on a silver teardrop frame. you reach for it and rub the sizable stone between your fingers. it’s been a while since you’ve needed to ground yourself in this way, but it still works like a charm. 

it all feels like it’s happening in slow motion but in reality in was only a few minutes. not even enough time for chuuya to make the full decision to come down from the ceiling and approach you. his feet are landing on the ground as you tune back into reality.

your blurred vision clears and zeroes in on the way the gravity manipulator takes a hesitant step towards you. he watches the way your gaze instantly sharpens and he takes the hint in staying put. he even goes as far as to raise his hands up in a way that tells you he’s admitting defeat.

”i just want to make sure you’re okay…”

you let out a humorless laugh. “maybe if you’d explain yourself, i would be.”

chuuya let’s out a long sigh, clearly having dreaded this all day. he knew your reaction would be less than savory, how could it not be when he was showing you that he thought the opposite of what he’s been telling you all these years. he didn’t want to face you so soon because he wasn’t even sure he had an answer. it took 5 hours and 37 minutes for him to come to a conclusion. 

the ginger swallows thickly as his bicolored gaze fixes onto yours. “becoming an executive… it demands a lot of someone…”

there he goes, being vague as he usually is when it’s clear there’s something he doesn’t want to discuss. he knows, he knows why he voted no in that meeting but you can’t figure out why he just won’t tell you. instead he’s trying to give you a lesson on the position you’ve been coveting for over five years now, ever since dazai had taken up his position as the youngest port mafia executive in history. 

you blink at him in utter disbelief. “i know what becoming an executive entails, chuuya.”

“that’s… i didn’t mean it like that, hell, i know you’ve been told and seen some of it but you were hardly ever with ace. i know that bastard kept you occupied with busy work.”

a smile stretches at your lips but it’s thin and doesn’t reach your eyes and it’s almost mocking. then a humorless laugh slips past your lips as you shake your head in obvious exasperation. chuuya starts to panic when you begin to pace, walking away from him almost altogether. the executive racks his brain and tries to diffuse the…frustration you’re still holding towards him. chuuya can’t bring himself to imagine you holding any more severely malicious feelings towards him right now — it would make him physically ill.

“what i’m trying to say is that you haven’t experienced the target that it puts on someone’s back. it’s so damn physically and mentally taxing. then there’s the paranoia you have to accept when any other normal or sane person would be told to push it aside. it isn’t easy-“ the ginger’s gaze falters, shifting to the side then back to you but he isn’t really looking you in the eye, that mixed with his words was really starting to piss you off after having calmed down. “the things that need to be done in this position isn’t something you should look forward to, you should be happy that-“

you let out a loud scoff, promptly cutting off the bullshit spewing from chuuya’s mouth. he had no right to mansplain this to you. you know all of this, you know the kinds of demands that’s required of someone when becoming a port mafia executive.

you’ve been preparing for this for 6 damn years. 

your blood is simmering, threatening to boil all over again. your fists are tightly balled and you think you may be drawing blood from your palms again. this time the sting is a little worse, rebreaking the indents in your skin from earlier. your nail lady is going to be so pissed at you, she spent hours to make your nails look as stunning as they do and you’re already staining them with blood. your blood, no less.

you’ll blame it on chuuya. it is his fault after all. the rage he incites in you is impressive to say the least. you think you’ll get let off the hook if you tell her a man was involved. she is always prying into your love life anyways, maybe you’d be able to indulge her for once, even though chuuya is far from being any type of lover at this point. 

you actually want to laugh at the thought considering the events of the last 12 hours.

in fact, the man in question is still prattling on with his mansplaining. you tuned out like maybe a minute or so ago. if he was paying attention he would have noticed the glazed over look you’re giving him. 

you suppose you should try to pay attention but the moment you come back into focus, your mouth is flying open to cease the ginger’s useless words.

“oh my god, chuuya, shut the fuck up. you’re not telling me anything new- you’re actually just pissing me off even more because it’s clear you really believe you need to explain this shit to me. i have half a mind to pull my gun back out at you…”

and you really do consider emptying your holster. maybe taking a couple more shots at the executive could be therapeutic, who knows? again, you know well it won’t do him any harm, he can stop the bullets easily with his gravity manipulation. that’s not enough, he needs to feel how much he’s truly hurt you, so you use your words to hopefully cut him.

“i just- i don’t fucking get it. i really don’t. since i’ve joined, after dragon's head, you’ve continuously supported me in wanting to climb the ranks at this organization. hell, you’ve even encouraged it. was it not you that told me i would make a ‘damn good executive?’” your voice raises and you can feel the anger rising, threatening to erupt. “have you just been lying to me for years? telling me what i want to hear but not actually believing it?! because the faith i instilled in myself was because of the faith you had in me! i trusted your opinion! was it all just one big fucking lie you told-”

“no!” chuuya looks just as worked up as you feel, his telltale signs being the way his eyelashes flutter in frustration and his fingers tremble and twitch at his sides.

you scoff, crossing your arms and looking away to try and hide the way you’re blinking away tears. “then what is it?”

“fyodor dostoevsky is gonna come for us-”

you let out a snort. “the fuck does that even mean?”

your demeanor is manic, your patience has been stretched so far passed its limit that you’re becoming delirious. your smile is vicious, eyes wide and almost wild, and your giggling is threatening. chuuya easily identifies it. he’s only seen you get this upset a handful of times, it’s actually terrifying to witness and he has always been grateful he’s never been on the other side of it. obviously until now, that is. 

“dostoevsky, and god knows who else with him, is going to come for us. he’s cunning. If the man is as smart as he’s rumored to be he’s gonna try to weaken the port mafia by taking out the executives. we have a target on our backs- you would have a target on your back but if you stay in the position you’re in now, you’ll be safe…”

chuuya flinches, the look you’re giving him is not kind and he has a feeling he knows where this is going.

”i’ll be safe? why do i need to be kept safe, chuuya? do you just assume i don’t know how to defend myself? do you think i’m that weak? do you really think that lowly of me?” your voice is dripping with venom, tone saturated with a poison that’s paralyzing chuuya’s mind — he can’t think clearly anymore.

the ginger is becoming increasingly more overwhelmed with each passing moment. “no- no! that’s not what i think at all. i just-”

“you just what? you just think it would be better for me to keep the status i have now? you think i should just stay complacent and be content with the power i have now? my aspirations just mean nothing? what is it? which one is it? or are you going to keep lying to me and spew your bullshit excu-”

chuuya’s own thread of patience snaps, desperate to fix this, he loses all sense of rationality and cuts in quickly before his mind has a chance to catch up with him. “ i love you- i love you and i couldn’t just sit in that meeting and agree to something that i know will put you in harm's way. more so than you already are just being with the port mafia. i can’t let a huge target be drawn on your back. i can’t-”

chuuya’s voice breaks off before he says too much, his mind finally catching up with him as he watches your reaction.

your breath hitches and you physically stumble back. your eyes fly open and lips part in utter shock. 

i love you.

the words running on a constant loop in your head. it’s something you thought you would never hear from him, making peace with that a long time ago. you had resigned to only being close friends and colleagues. you were fine with that. you were. 

so why did those three words jilt you like a rejection instead of an admissionof love? you can’t sort through your thoughts and feeling that are thrashing violently though your chest and mind. it’s all jumbled. 

you try to respond but only manage, “you…what?”

chuuya’s eyes are wide, he himself reeling from his unintentional confession so the best he can muster is a confused, “i- what?”

“…chuuya, you just said…you love me…” 

the man in question is stumbling back into his desk, leaning onto it for support. the weight of his outburst physically pushing him down. wait… no. that’s his ability. in the mess that’s his head somewhere he must’ve activated his ability instinctively and distantly he recognizes the faint red aura surrounding his body. he looks over to you and realizes you notice it too, concern is twisting your perfectly stunning features.

…how embarrassing.

this hasn’t happened since he was a kid. chuuya has always been careful to not lose control, meticulously controlling his emotions so as to not let his gift take over. it’s been almost a decade since this last happened. chuuya didn’t even have this type of reaction when he learned about dazai’s defection. the creaking of his desk is all too apparent in the silent room.

you watch in abject horror as the wood beneath him begins to splinter at his weight. you panic, the previous conversation and frustration forgotten as you watch chuuya struggle in his own mind. 

your own mind races. you need to do something, bring him out of this state immediately. you fear the damage he’ll inflict on not only the desk you know he loves (he spent months looking for the perfect one) but also on his own body. that much weight has to be paralyzing — crushing to him.

the rational side of your mind screams at you and you listen to its cries. “god damnit, chuuya. you need to calm the hell down, you’re gonna cause some serious damage to this building if you keep this up…”

you’re going to do some serious damage to yourself, you want to say but can’t push the words out, your own panic becoming increasingly more tangible as you watch his ability get stronger and stronger.

chuuya’s eyes are distant and now his breathing is ragged. your words, unfortunately, do not fall on deaf ears. the ginger clings to every word you say. your tone is still harsh. you’re still angry with him. 

shit. of course you’re still pissed at him. why wouldn’t you be? he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. he deserves to be buried by the rubble he can create with his ability. 

he deserves it. 

your own panic rises with each passing moment. if this continues, the executive is going to take the whole building down with him. who knows how many people are occupying this tower, not to mention the boss. mori would not take kindly to this skyscraper being reduced to rubble. 

crack, crack, crack.

the creaking of the desk under chuuya is deafening. you want to scream at him, shout for him to knock it off. frustration getting the better of you, but you know. you know that won’t be of any help in this situation.

“chuuya, please, you need to snap out of this. you need to come back. i need you to take control.” it’s too late now. your words are no longer penetrating the barrier that’s been placed around his mind by anxiety.

talking the superior out of this state is no longer an option for you. shit. this is bad. this is so fucked up. what options do you have left…

finally. an idea finally crosses your mind. it’s reckless, you could get hurt yourself and you know if that happens chuuya would blame himself. riddled with guilt, he would never forgive himself. 

but do you even have an option here? you have to do something. you can’t just stand here paralyzed, frozen in fear.

fuck it.

your feet are moving forward in an instant. this is risky. if it doesn’t work you risk being crushed along with chuuya. touching him right now would cause his ability to envelop you, it could shatter every bone in your body. 

you take a deep breath, hands reaching out and gingerly glide across the ginger’s jawline. his eyes focus almost immediately and you work quickly. you hold his face in your hands and gently bring his forehead down to yours. 

“hey, come back to me…chuuya, please…” you feel the weight of the ginger’s ability slowly envelope you and it almost suffocates you. the pressure makes it hard for your lungs to contract. it’s so dizzying you think you might vomit.

you force yourself to push pass it. the weight isn’t as intense, you search chuuya’s eyes and find them staring back at you. his focus isn’t fully there but his eyes aren’t trembling like they were before. the problem now, you can’t talk. you try desperately but the force of his gravity manipulation makes your esophagus spasm painfully. 

your words are completely useless now. there’s one more thing you could try. it feels wrong to use this while the executive’s in such a state but you’re completely out of options. 

you lean into the ability user, hands bringing his face closer to your own. you feel his shallow breaths turn into deeper ones as they fan over your cheeks. you try to swallow nervously but it makes you wince. you’d let out a frustrated noise if you could get your throat to work. you toss the thought aside. you don’t need your throat to work for what you’re about to do, so you lean in closer, lips finally brushing chuuya’s own and his breath hitches. 

you let a pleased smile quirk your lips up, or at least it feels like you do.

time slows as you finally lean in all the way and let your lips press against chuuya’s. his reaction is so instinctive it startles you, stealing what little breath you have left in your lungs. his hands that had previously been gripping the edge of his desk now find their way to your waist. 

the pressure of his ability lifts gradually and you can finally breathe again. the kiss is gentle and innocent. a stark comparison to chuuya himself, anything but innocent in any sense. 

finally the cracking of the desk ceases and the warmth of the red aura, the one that chuuya emanates when his ability is activated, completely disperses. the only source of warmth that comes from the ginger now is his body heat. his normal warmth is more that enough to make your mind swim. 

after a few more seconds, you part from the executive. you resume your previous position, letting him lean his forehead against your own. you open your eyes only to find one that’s reminiscent of the depths of the ocean and another that reminds you of a warm and rich caramel sauce staring back at you. his eyes scan your face with such concentration you almost hold your breath, not wanting to disturb whatever it is he’s looking for.

his lips part and his voice is raspy when you speaks. “i’m sorry… i shouldn’t have lost control like that…”

“what else are you sorry for?” you hum and quirk an eyebrow up at him expectantly. 

he knows what you’re referring to and even though he swears he plans on apologizing — a sigh escapes passed his lips before he can suppress it. you instantly turn rigid, lips turning downward into a frown and hands dropping from his face. the regret hits chuuya in the gut and his grip on your waist locks you in place. 

the executive is quick to rush out another apology before you can close yourself off. “i’m sorry for not telling you the truth and for voting against you becoming an executive. i’ll make this right.”

your shoulders finally relax for the first time all day. you almost cry at the tension leaving your body, it has been plaguing you all day. based on the guilty look chuuya offers, you must look exhausted. exhausted or not, you don’t plan on letting this go just quite yet. rest can wait.

”you’ll fix things right now.” you pull out your phone to type out a quick message then send it off and put your phone back in your pocket. “mori’s expecting you.”

you watch as a conflicted gleam flickers in chuuya’s bicolored eyes. you take a deep breath, not allowing yourself to get worked up before hearing what he has to say. instead you hum questioningly and patiently wait for him to answer your unspoken question.

chuuya gently squeezes your hips in reassurance that it’s nothing serious. “will you wait for me?”

you blink for a moment, letting your tired and slow moving brain catch up with his words. you’re unable to mask the genuine shock when his request finally processes. will you wait? will you? you look at his couch and think it would be comfy enough to take a nap on. the ginger follows your gaze and instantly catches on. he finally releases your waist and grabs one of your hands, encasing it in his own. 

the executive leads you to the couch wordlessly and has you sit down. he’s quick and before you can even protest, you’re presented with a blanket and pillow. when you don’t reach for them, your mind working on overtime at this point, he places them next to you. 

“use ‘em while i clean up my mess with mori. if you’re asleep by the time i return… i’ll make sure you make it to a proper bed. okay, doll?” the look on his face is nothing short of hopeful and how are you supposed to say no to that?

you let out a sleepy sigh of defeat and simply nod your head.

chuuya can’t help the wide grin plastered on his face. “it shouldn’t take too long. i’ll be back before you know it.”

he doesn’t wait for your response as he makes his way to the door of his office. he unlocks it and as he’s turning the knob you’re calling for him. the ginger looks at you over his shoulder questioningly.

the thought occurred to you that you never verbally reciprocated chuuya’s confession and your mouth is moving for you before you know it. “i love you too…”

you watch as chuuya’s gaze softens and becomes glassy. his smile is bright and stretches into his eyes. his smile is actually so wide that his eyes almost shut completely. he let’s out an airy and carefree laugh and your heart stutters at the noise. suddenly you’re grateful that in your sleepy stupor, you had enough sense to voice your reciprocated feelings because you don’t think you’ve ever seen a more beautiful site.

[slippinninque]

😌Snug🤗

In which Terry wasn't ready

Warnings: none really! Fluffy! May need some edits, secret-at-work-post, soft!terry, short fic

The two of you were sleeping back to back, the mutual warmth perfect to keep you both asleep. Terry woke in the middle of the night to a full bladder but the feel of you, the soft sounds of your breathing behind him, he laid there for as long as he could to savour.

When he finally got the motivation to go to the bathroom, Terry marveled on the last half year of his life with you on the way. The ending of his last relationship felt more like an agreement than a “breakup”. She was a great woman, wonderful in mind and in body but Terry just didn’t want to stay. Didn’t want to linger or bask or any of the other things a man should want to do when he's with a woman he adores.

Then came you.

You were a flame that has never him. Bright, impossibly warm and just as so to turn away from. He’s never felt so content in his life, your love settled down on his heart like a sun-warmed feline claiming it's spot. You pulled a brightness out of his life that he hadn’t even noticed was there, that he had a sneaking suspicion that he now couldn't live without.

Even now, just the thought of you still being there when he came back to bed–Terry resisted the urge to hurry back down the bedroom. That's what the mere thought of you did to him. You made him feel giddy at any hour, at any day.

When he returned to bed, you made a little noise as he resumed his previous position. Terry was ready to stare at the wall where the nightlights of the outside world painted his bedroom wall, knowing sleep could be fickle to him. It was good not to be lonely, though.

Terry reached for the book on his nightstand, deciding to test out that rechargeable book light, only, you turned over and shifted closer to him. Terry’s back bloomed with warmth as you pressed against him, throwing an arm and leg across him. Your size difference should have made it awkward, but it was very comfortable. Beyond comfortable. Soothing? It was soothing. In his mind's eye, he imagined your naked brown skin trying to slip beneath his own, a beautiful little furnace lost in her dreams.

One of your legs rubbed against his, stroking steady and slow. Could you feel his heart beating through his back? Terry swore he could feel yours, it felt like a lullaby. Every inch of you were molded to the back of him in a perfect hug. How had he never known being held could feel like this?

You nuzzled closer and his eyes closed at the feel of your breath across his skin. He could feel your lips move but nothing came out, he felt a kiss. He could feel the silkiness of your bonnet as you managed to shift even closer–your hand spanned and kneading at his stomach.

Terry didn’t move, he didn't want to move. He didn't feel ensnared or cramped, didn't feel that timer hung over his head counting down the few minutes of his comfort.

All he could feel was you.

Terry tipped towards a sleepiness, his breathing falling in step with yours. Logically, with his size, it should have made it a bit difficult. Yet, you gathered him up like he was nothing but a body pillow. He liked it. Terry’s never been the little spoon before.

He cuddled back tentatively, pulling the arm around him higher to hold your hand. Behind him, you wriggled happily. Terry wasn't sure if he was smiling or had his heart hijacked by his body again. Either way, he was swept away by the absolute comfort of being snuggled.

-----------------

✨ending notes✨: just a little fluff!🤭😌 I haven't been reading much aside from this damned cozy cottage book and now it got me all fluffy!!! ✨💕 Tell me what you think with a reblog or a comment! Thank you for reading!!!💕💖✨💖✨💕✨💖✨💕✨💖💕

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[littlesparklight]

Thinking of slaves in Greek mythology...

To show what I mean, here's some quotes from (either certainly assigned or uncertainly so) Euripides' fragmentary Alexandros play:

Fr. 8 "Slaves who are fond of their masters' class arouse much hostility from their own kind."

Fr. 12: "You are indeed wise, Priam, but I am telling you: there is no bigger burden than a slave having a higher opinion of himself than he should, nor a possession more spiteful or worthless for a household."

Fr. 23: "I have put it to the test: so base is the class of slaves; mere bellies and they think of nothing further than that." (These fragments have been taken from Ioanna Karamanou's book on the Alexandros play, and I think she uses a slightly different numbering system to the fragments, just for knowledge's sake.)

Given this sort of array of opinions/judgements, if you are a slave, you basically cannot win no matter what you do (or don't do).

Be too aligned with the master or mistress that owns you, which will give you safety and, for what it matters, hopefully affection and protection by them, but your fellow slaves will undoubtedly be suspicious of you. Look out for yourself as much as you can in your circumstances, and you will be thought of as the basest of base version of slave, and if that "looking out for yourself" becomes thought of (in reality or merely from suspicion) as treachery to your master, well... both your owner and potentially the slaves more "loyal" than you will turn against you.

Looking at the "traitorous" slave women and Melanthius in the Odyssey, and having the last two quoted fragments in mind; it doesn't matter whether they actually are intentionally "maliciously" turning away from Penelope and Odysseus' household, or merely doing what they can to keep themselves safe in an uncertain situation (never mind that if something is demanded of any of them, whatever it is, not a one of them can safely refuse the suitors, who are free men). They are "wrong" either way, though they have little choice otherwise.

If you look beyond that Eurykleia's helpfulness/fondness/loyalty for our protagonists is obviously "good" story-wise, what does that mean for her and the rest of the slaves? Who is she, but her master and mistress' puppet, untrustworthy to the rest of the household who are in the same bondage and class as her? She sells out her fellow slaves. For people who would do just as much to her (Odysseus threatens to kill her if she gives him away when she recognizes him!) as she helps them do to the slave women she has deemed illoyal.

And in some ways I think these can even apply, but perhaps more vaguely, to the slave women and geras prizes in the Iliad. To Briseis and the women who cry over Patroklos' corpse. The narrator explicitly tells us the slave women are actually crying for their own sorrows.

But so, in truth, is Briseis. Briseis, who Patroklos kept from grieving what she has lost, what was brutally taken away from her by the very man she is enslaved to. Only here, when Patroklos is dead, in a situation where it would be more uncouth to stop her than to let her go on, does Briseis dare to voice her grief for husband, father, brothers. But yet she also voices it as that this dead man who refused to let her openly grieve for what he himself had part in to take away from her, was kind.

Because how can a slave dare to do anything else? You can't win but for losing.

[ukininayu]

LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. —NAOYA ZEN'IN.

SYNOPSIS."when will you start looking out for me too, instead of leaving me staring at my shoes?" CW. Imaginary layout of the zen'in place. you were a very concious toddler w/ a sheldon-level memory. WC. 2125.

A/N. This is just filler, a backstory. Im not sure if I want to continue so I'm stopping here! Just showcasing! I think I had a female in mind?? My mind has the whole story planned OUT. I only gotta write it, but I'm lazy and this might flop n I'm just checking b4 taking this srsly

I think the pov switches every sentence I think

The Zen'in clan was a strict clan.

a cruel clan.

⏤͟͟͞͞ ✯

your mother was a dedicated servant to the zen'ins. dedicated to the point other servants thought she was in a relationship with a zen'in member, even.

not long after the servants suspicions, a few were brave enough to talk to the highest ranking member of the clan about it— well, they had only spoken to the assistant in charge of being the great Naobito Zen'ins messenger bird.

as expected, the assistant only came back explaining the leader of the clan did not care enough to look into it, or to order somebody else to in the most respectful way possible.

after that, everything went back to normal.

unfortunately for her, the other servants secretly kept their suspicions in their minds, going as far as to calling her names behind her back.

"prostitute.." others would murmur, "whore…" others would whisper, some even calling her a concubine!

of course, nobody knew your mother had a family she would go home to whenever she took her leave on the late afternoons.

a husband, and after a shocking discovery, an unborn child.

she and your father were ecstatic when they noticed a lump forming on her stomach after a few months flew by.

while the suspicions of the servants heavily grew when they noticed, too.

after five months was the bump in her tummy actually recognizable.

that was when the servants decided to strike once more. now determined to convince the higher ups.

three servants, the people who had gained the suspicions first, along with the first complainants, went with a plan, instead of going straight to Naobito Zen'in, as if they did, they would only be called liars and jealous servants.

so the trio went to a lower ranking male zen'in to complain.

"sir, we are only concerned over what she has been doing."

"for the last months, she's been acting as if she was hiding a secret affair with... a Zen'in member."

"though her dedication for this clan and higher-ups like you is… inspiring, we fear there is more to that then simply… 'dedication'."

to their surprise, the zen'in had listened, telling them that he would inform the other zen'ins.

your mother was completely unaware about the scandal concerning her.

time quickly passed by, and the latest complaint had finally traveled to Naobito.

What was to be a normal day for your mother had changed drastically when she was called in to have a "talk".

Sitting on the ground and looking down at the shining floorboards as Naobitos messenger bird explained what he had collected was the last thing she could remember. Everything else after was a blur. Vague.

But she knew what she was forced into.

"A slut you are, huh? I would kill you, but you are a woman who can do her duty. Could, I should say, since you decided to follow a path of a whore instead, no? You're left with a choice to make."

"You can offer your unborn child to the clan and run away from this estate, or I can kill you right here. Make a choice now."

" you're in no position about asking about the whys. but it wont hurt much if i told you. To pass out an offer to get another servant, perhaps guard, that can replace you would be a shame. Only a fool would. Who wouldn't want an obedient dog? hah!"

A difficult decision to make, a decision that needed quite the time to think about before answering, but that wasn't her case. She was instead pressured with time. A meek minute to think about.

Who could even think about this so quickly? More so, your mother was still in the process of consuming the untold "story" about what she had "done", and unfortunately, she was smart enough to know that she couldn't make them believe the truth, if she ever tried to tell them, as they, everybody, jumped into the rabbit hole of her "story". Screaming about a random story that goes against the false one would only cause trouble. She had no way out.

If she chose the first option, she would live, and her unborn child, you, would to. She could be with you for at least half your childhood before she had to vanish from your life completely, and so would your father.

Worse of all, she would have to leave you in the clans care. A harsh environment, and you had to serve them the rest of your life. But you would live. And would have a place to be.

If she chose the second option, both of you would die. She didn't mind sacrificing herself, but two things kept her from doing so. She had to leave her husband behind without any clue of what was happening, and, she couldn't even sacrifice herself as doing so will kill you to.

Both choices were horrible, but with the limited time she had to think about it, it was obvious which the better one was.

"The first choice... I.. Choose the first choice. Please. I don't want my child to be dead. Don't hurt them."

"That's settled. Until your child is at lest six years old, you will take care of them and work here."

Your mother did just that.

The day after that and so on your mother was working.

But it was worse.

Now she could recognize the stares, the laughs, the glances, the humiliation that everyone else gave to her. She didn't miss the fact that her duties were changed and she had the worse ones that would take away all her energy. At times, she would think that she wouldn't even be strong enough to give birth or something would happen while she was at the estate that would cause her a Miscarriage.

But she stood strong, encouraged by your father, who after learning about what was happening, tried his best to help her out in any way until you were finally born.

⏤͟͟͞͞ 𖤐

Soon enough, you were nearing your second birthday. Such a happy child you were. The day you started to walk, your mother often took you to a large fancy ol' place with a lot of fancy houses, cool shrines, big land, and fancier people, who you recognized wore clothing similar to clothes you had seen in your little picture books.

You had one rule to follow. Simply stay right beside your mother and not talk when someone who looks "expensive" is near. So you did.

You don't get why your mother was always running around. Never stopping. You know that it isn't good for her to keep "tiring" herself out, since you heard your papa say it to her. In more than one occasion definitely.

So when she woke you up so early the sun wasn't even up, you already knew where she was taking you to, so with the most Exaggerated jump out of the bed, you got yourself (with the large help of your parents) ready and off to go.

Once you had stepped in the estate did you realize you shouldn't have made a tantrum about not wearing a sweater in the autumn. Maybe you could blame the walk you and your mother did to get here. But you couldn't tell this to your mother. Psh. Of course not. Might as well adapt.

Though it was nothing new when going with your mom, cleaning sure was fun! Definitely the highlight of your day if you do say so yourself!

Well... Watching her clean was! You even helped by cleaning the floor! (You pushed a full bucket of water so it could clean the floor. It went all over! Smart you! It's alright though! You scrubbed it all so perfectly every floor was evenly scrubbed!)

After much of going with your mother in this estate, she trusted you enough to wander around. As long as it was on her sight. Of course with the same rules you still had to follow.

So after the little cleaning up you helped with, she gave you the best prize and awarded you to go wander around! (She wanted you to stop distracting and stepping on the clean floor with your dirty boots. You don't know that.)

So you did! Just to her side, you ran to a cherry blossom tree that caught your eye, running circles around it and inspecting it. Analyzing it. Thinking why it caught your interest.

But it didn't. You find that out when another takes your interest, now a sound. Crackling of leaves to be exact. But it came from the other side of the estate, and if you were to go and pass the corner turn, you would definitely be out of your mother's sight.

But who are you to think about that? You're three. You do what you want.

So you do and tip toe to the turn, immediately a bigger tree with pink leaves takes your attention, it doesn't look like a cherry blossom, and it's closer to the estate wall than the heart of the place.

Squinting your eyes to see more detail, you see strands of dark green—...almost black hair behind the tree. They looked like they were sitting. More importantly, they looked your age! And to think you were all alone! there was another kid, maybe it was a kid of your mom's companions! Lucky you.

You excitedly rush to the tree, stopping at a small bush near you to take a flower to give to the hopefully future friend of yours.

you take your steps slowly and as silently as you can once you reach to the other side of the tree trunk. oh! he's a boy. your future friend, your first ever friend, is a boy! you could see him focusing intently on two beetles fighting. huh.

not much seconds later, the boy looks up behind him, only to see you behind the tree, head peeking around.

he quickly jumped up, hand pointed at you. " maids r' s'pposed to work, what'r you doing here!" the exact thought he had. after all, it was what he saw the other Zen'in members were doing. whats stopping him from copying?

You completely ignored his weird tone, a tone you've never heard before, making sure you would finish your plan of getting a friend.

You look down at your hand, before giving the flower you plucked to him, your finger presses on something prickly on the green stem, giving a little cut on the pad of it.

The boy watches your face, your eyebrows furrowing as you look down at something. He looks at your hand, then a rose. Then your cut.

You would usually cry in times like these where you'd get injured, but you had your priorities, and you still wanted your priorities to be right.

You extend your arm, your hand offering the pretty red flower to him. "T's p.. Prickly. be car'ful. Here!"

He takes the flower hesitantly and thanks you, taking your warning and reaching for the stem with the same place your fingers were placed on carefully.

"Friends?" He looks at you and sees your big smile, he thinks it's targeted to him since you were happily looking back at him. it was so long since he saw someone his age.

"Fine." He's never talked to another kid. He questions the way you talk. Do you even know how to? Is this how every kid talks? They always told him he was superior, maybe you weren't taught like he was, duh.

"Yay! What's y'ur name!" You immediately ask, babbling your own name as an introduction. "..uh, Naoya.." He was all too confused about this sudden interaction with someone new to remember the things they taught him about not taking "disrespect" such as these. How did someone in this big place not know his name?

Naoya. Such a nice name your friend has! You tell him just and thank him for being your friend. Naoya nods, and that's enough to keep you smiling.

Tired of standing, he turns and goes back to sitting under the tree, back against the stump. "Sit." He commands, but you hear it as a request. When he scooted and gave space for you to sit, you obliged and sat beside him.

You and him spend the whole day under the pretty tree, watching little bugs fight, Naoya going in the estate and back to the tree every once in a while when somebody looks for him, the boy of you talking about everything, him bringing the nice snacks his servants kept giving him when he went in the estate for the both of you to munch on.

Just a fun time. With a cool friend.

🂡〡🀆〡🂡

That's it for now I think idk, thanks for reading! ♡

[kazumiku]

— SIMPLE AMUSEMENT

NSFW (crossposted on AO3 @Kazumik)

SUMMARY; Your best friend, Heizou, has no sense of self-control. Nor does he have any dignity left, or shame for that matter, as he keenly allows his perverse side to reveal itself during a lecture, appallingly enough in front of the professor's presence. And, well, everyone else's included for that matter.

READ WARNINGS; ooc Heizou, sadistic Heizou (i think), sexual content, public fingering, minors do not interact

you have now been warned...

The professor’s silvery voice enters through the mic as he stood at the mini podium, echoing through the lecture hall as he goes on about the current lesson for the semester. It was boring, to say the least, some students sleeping and others playing on their laptop, acting like they’re listening or something along the lines. Only proves as testimony to how sleep-worthy the time was rather than to listen to a tedious babble that people could study later on the internet—or in the library, if you’re feeling rather brave.

Heizou had finished his classes for the day, so he joined in yours instead, choosing to sit beside you like a clingy koala that can’t live without its tree that it calls a home. You’re his home, after all, might as well be one as he’s basically stuck with you by the hip at this point.

Of course, you allowed him to do so. You always do. You’re as infatuated with him as he is to you, and it’s painfully obvious to everyone who spares a glance at the both of you. If the sky is blue, if water is wet, Heizou wants to fuck you; giving you those bedroom eyes of his should be confirmation enough. Ah, but young love always comes denial, so before any labels, other than ‘friends,’ are established, his hands are already on you.

The skin of his hand calloused, rough from his training in martial arts, but it’s nothing you’re not fond of. Each part of Heizou is a puzzle you’ve already solved—well, partially, since his feelings are mysterious as a 20-year-old unsolved case could be (even if it’s as clear as day in other people’s eyes).

His palms squeezed your thigh from under the table, his olive green eyes looking upfront as if he wasn’t touching you, caressing you so… sensually. Heizou’s fingertips played with the hem of your skirt before slipping under the fabric to grope your plush skin, his sinful hands contradicting with the bored look on his charming face as he yawned. If people didn’t know better, he looked drowsy—he’s quite skilled in the arts of deceiving.

“Heizou, what are you doing?” You whispered with an accusatory tone, directing to the redhead beside you who simply glanced briefly before shrugging.

“What are you talking about, babe?” Heizou answered with a question, his voice as low as yours as to not perk anyone’s attention to the both of you. He will, eventually, though.

You could only shoot him daggers with your eyes, threateningly so, he found it adorable as his lips broke into a mischievous smirk. Chuckling under his breath, his hand moved higher, using his nail to trace imaginary shapes on the flesh of your soft thigh, inching dangerously close to the lace trim of your underwear. Thank god, if it weren’t for the desk covering the scene and the fact that you both sat at the far back, you would’ve been sent to detention by now and Heizou’s rights to see you during class-times would be revoked.

 Pressing his thumb above the fabric your panties where your clitoris would be, you jerked in your seat, leaving people to cast fleeting glances at you, a variety of bewilderment and suspicion. You simply offered an awkward smile to anyone who turned their head, leaving them to brush you off and resume to what they were initially doing.

Turning back to Heizou with a scowl, cheeks puffed, round like a chipmunk’s as you furrowed your brows together, frustrated and awfully aroused. “Stop it, we’re going to get in trouble,” Squirming slightly in your seat, you whined, a hand reaching down to grasp his wrist and endeavored to pry it off you, hoping that would be enough of a sign for him to stop.

But, rather than the response you were hoping for, it was as if his whole arm became rock solid, with impossible strength that you couldn’t possibly compare with.

The redhead turned his head to you with a grin, lazily leaning back on his seat before his fingers shift to slide between your slit to feel the dampness that accumulated from all this harmless teasing. “You’re so easy,” Heizou snickered before slipping his fingers back to between your folds, now prodding against the soaked material. As much as he wants to shit on you for getting so turned on by getting toyed with in class, he was equally as aroused as you, the tent growing in his pants telling much more than he’d like to reveal.

Tugging the trim of your panty to the side, shivers ran up your spine as the contact of his rough skin met flesh with your bare pussy, the hairs on your supply skin standing up. He was playing a risky game, but a thrilling one nevertheless, the blood pumping fast upwards to your face as Heizou started to caress your sensitive folds.

His fingers sought out your little nub, pinching and twisting the erect pebbled flesh that poked out of the hood of your pussy. Your bottom lip slipped between your teeth as hastily as you could before any lewd noises might come out to spill, swallowing your sounds back down along with the growing lump in your throat.

You still had a hand around his wrist, but due to his unmoving resolve, you could only dig your nails into his flesh in an attempt to ground yourself. You couldn’t stop him—might as well indulge, no?

Heizou smirked at that, passing you a wink before he pushed his middle finger inside you experimentally, though easily pushing past the natural resistance of your entrance due to the slick nectar that pearled out, using its viscosity natural lube. His digit rubbed your insides, nudging at your velvety walls to seek a spot that he can bully while you could do nothing but squirm and suffer in your seat.

Chewing down on your lip won’t be enough as you brought a hand up to your face, opting to cover your mouth instead while tilting your head down, sweat dripping down your forehead as you breathed heavily, inhaling and exhaling deeply as quietly as you possibly can. It proved to be a challenge to do so, though, once he found the spot that drove you to almost choke out a loud moan if it weren’t for the hand suppressing your erotic tune.

Your grip on his wrist had become impossibly tight, grasping on him like a lifeline as he added another finger, stretching you out and curling up towards the spot he’d memorized. Tears sting your waterline as you perched your forehead against the surface of the desk, your hair draping down the sides of your face to cover whatever lewd expression graced it. That was an ego boost for the redhead, to see you all so submissive and adorable like this.

Heizou leaned his head down, cradling his cheeks in the palm of his hand before whispering straight into your ear, “You like this, don’t you? Your cunt is sucking up my fingers so much, baby,” He purred before shifting his head to press a kiss on your neck then going back to his initial position, sitting straight on his chair. His fingers remained relentless nonetheless, pumping in and out of your slick heat in earnest.

It was a miracle nobody has found out... yet, the squelch of his digits abusing your insides getting drowned out by the professor’s loud voice in the speaker, luckily enough.

After what felt like an eternity (though it was just a few minutes) had passed, your insides clamped around his fingers, indicating your growing climax, a familiar knot inside your stomach snapped and your limbs felt like mush. Your arms gave out and you panted, desperately trying to regain what little air you had inside your lungs for the moment, your whole body sensitive as Heizou rode out your orgasm with a devilish smile.

You hadn’t realized your hips had moved on its own, bucking weakly against his fingers before he pulled them out of you, a string of translucent slick connecting his hand to your pussy before it snapped and dripped down to the floor. The redhead chuckled as he heard your little whine from the empty feeling, and as much as he’d like to do more, you’ve already attracted a much bigger audience than he expected when small whispers started to emerge from left to right.

[bookworm551]

Of Duty and Desire | Chapter 1 | Neteyam x Metkayina!reader

He glanced away for a moment and clenched his jaw. When he looked back at you, you could see the frustration burning in his face. "I just-" he paused, staring at you intensely. "I've never wanted anything as much as I want you."

—————

Summary: You are the tsakarem of the Metkayina, promised to Aonung, and you have settled into your role nicely. Everything is as it should be until a family of Omatikaya refugees arrives, and the eldest son causes you to reconsider everything

A/N: I have been working on this piece for a while, but I literally had to rewrite this like four times so whoops. I appreciate all the love on my last fic, so hopefully y’all enjoy this too :) also, after this part I’m aging up the characters lol. Part 1 of idk

Neteyam x fem Metkayina!readers

5.8k words

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Epilogue

Freedom is oftentimes the sacrifice demanded by duty.

The privilege of choosing how to live one's life is swept away by the responsibilities one has to their family, their friends, or their people. You thought you understood the weight of duty when you became the tsakarem of the Metkayina, but you soon realized thereafter that the cost was higher than what you were willing to pay.

In the months following their arrival, you had gotten close to the forest children. You loved spending time with Tuk. She was bright and full of wonder, and she never failed to make you laugh with her occasional sassy remark. Lo'ak was determined and a fast learner, and you were constantly amused by his poorly-hidden attraction to your best friend, Tsireya. You became fast friends with Kiri due to her deep connection with Eywa and interest in healing.

But there was something about your relationship with Neteyam that was different from all the others. In the few short months you had known each other, your friendship had grown much faster than you had expected. He was kind and respectful, and he always knew how to make you laugh. He was as close to you as the friends you had known your whole life.

You had first met him one day rather unexpectedly after their arrival. You were under the cover of the healing tent when you heard someone approach from outside. You were surprised to find the oldest Sully waiting expectantly while gripping his wrist tightly. He dropped his grip in order to offer you the customary greeting of his hand to his forehead before immediately returning to hold his wrist again.

You offered the gesture back to him before asking, "Is everything alright?" He gave an embarrassed smile and said, "I touched a plant in the water with my hand, and now it burns. I was told to come here for a remedy." You knew immediately what it was, and you offered him a sympathetic look. Taking his hand, you inspected it to confirm your suspicion.

"We learn at a young age not to touch the sea nettle," you told him with a faint smile. "Think of it as a rite of passage." His lips turned upwards at your words. "Then I suppose I'm one step closer to becoming Metkayina," he joked. You chuckled as you searched for the treatment for nettle.

While he waited for you, he sat down on the floor and said, "I do not believe we have met before. I am Neteyam." You cast a brief glance over your shoulder with a smile. "I know who you are, Neteyam te Suli," you told him. "But you are right, we have not met. I suppose that is my fault, I have been very busy since you arrived." After finding the correct bowl, you sat down across from him and introduced yourself properly.

"You are the tsakarem, yes?" Neteyam clarified as you took his hand to inspect it for any remaining nettles. "I am," you confirmed, trying not to appear proud or arrogant in the title. "I spend much of my time here in the village. I have been able to become acquainted with your mother and sisters, though you and your brother seem rarely to leave the water."

Neteyam nodded with a small smile. "We have been learning so much," he told you. "It is all still so new to us." You hummed in understanding. "You seem to be adjusting well to the reef," you observed.

Before he could respond, you took the small bowl of oil and held it above his hand. "This will sting at first," you warned. He nodded, and you poured a small amount over his palm. As you had predicted, he tensed at the pain, and you could see the muscles in his arms flex reactively. He took a deep breath and relaxed as the pain ebbed away.

Carefully, you took your thumbs and rubbed them down his palm. "Let me know if I am hurting you," you told him quietly. He remained silent as you massaged the oil into his hand. You felt his eyes on your face, so you glanced up at him. He didn't look away, keeping his amber eyes fixed on your face, and he offered you a soft smile. You were only able to hold his gaze for a few seconds before becoming slightly embarrassed, and you quickly looked back down at your hands again.

"It feels much better," he said after a moment. "I'm glad," you replied earnestly. "I haven't touched sea nettle since I was very young, but I remember the sting of it very well." He nodded his head with an ironic grin. "I don't think I will forget this any time soon," he agreed.

You continued working the oil into his skin for a moment, and you still felt his eyes on your face, though you didn't look up at him again until you were finished. Dropping his hand, you said, "Try to avoid nettle in the future. We usually save the remedy for children, but I made an exception for you this time."

He grinned at you. "I am very grateful," he told you, placing his hand over his heart. "And I will take more care in the future." Smiling at him, you replied, "I hope so. I don't want to have to patch you up every day."

He looked at you in amusement. "I'm sure there are worse ways to spend the day," he teased. You shook your head with a small laugh. "Perhaps," you conceded. "But there are certainly more productive things to do as well."

"Thank you," he said as he moved to stand up. "I will see you later tonight?" You blinked in surprise. You saw him every night during the evening meal from afar, but since you had never spoken to him before, you were surprised at his forwardness.

"I suppose," you replied, then added with a smirk, "That is unless you hurt yourself again before then." He gave you a cheeky smile. "No promises," he responded playfully.

You saw the forest boy more often after that. Sometimes he would come in claiming to be searching for his mother and then stay and talk with you. Other times, he would come in with scrapes and cuts not severe enough to warrant Ronal's expertise, but deep enough to justify seeing you for help.

Sometimes, you wondered if he was getting hurt on purpose. You didn't mind though. He was sweet and enjoyable, and he always told you stories of himself and his siblings in the forest. You knew he missed it very much, but he hid his longing behind all the funny tales of his family.

One person who was wary of your friendship with Neteyam and his family was Aonung. He had his mother's distrusting nature as well as her pride, and as his intended mate, you knew he wasn't happy with how close you had become to them. He never said anything directly to you, but he would drop subtle comments about them when you were around. Whenever you were helping teach the forest children, he watched closely for how you interacted with them. You could feel the tension between him and the Sullys, and it all came to a head about two months after they had arrived at the reef.

You were sorting things when you heard a commotion outside. You looked out in confusion before Aonung pushed his way into the tent. You took in a sharp breath as you got a look at his face.

He looked awful. His eye was starting to swell, there was blood dripping from his nose, and dark purple bruises were beginning to form on his cheek. "What happened?!" You asked him sharply as some of his friends followed in behind him sporting similar injuries on their faces. Aonung didn't look at you, but one of his friends behind him chimed in, "It was the forest boys."

You scowled at Aonung. "What did you do?" You demanded to know. He shot you an irritated look. "You are accusing me?" he asked incredulously. Your scowl deepened as you glared up at him suspiciously. "Yes," you said. "I am." He scoffed at you. He wasn't afraid of your ire when he knew he had the privilege of being the son of the two clan leaders to protect him.

"They do not belong here," he told you. "I don't know why you are so fond of those freaks." His friends behind him muttered their approval at his statement. You turned your glare to them, and they immediately fell silent and looked away. Even if Aonung didn't fear you, at least they did.

"They are here under uturu," you said in a harsh whisper. "We must treat them with respect and dignity." Aonung rolled his eyes at your words. "Where is my mother?" he asked, ignoring your statement. You huffed an irritated breath. "Out," you responded crossly, walking over to where Ronal kept her store of medicines and other mending materials.

You pulled out a jar of ointment and handed it to Aonung. "For the cuts," you told him. "Now go." You pointed at the entrance of your tent resolutely, maintaining a level glare at him. He held your gaze for a moment before taking the bowl and walking away, his friends in tow.

You closed your eyes in exasperation. How could they all be so stuck up and stupid? You knew that Aonung took great pride in being the next in line for Olo'eyktan, but you had never seen him act so rude and self-absorbed. Honestly, it was embarrassing for you.

After a moment, you decided to go out to see if you could find one or both of the Omatikayan boys to apologize on behalf of Aonung. Stepping out, you headed over to where their family was residing. From a distance, you could see that Lo'ak was stepping out of the tent, his face downcast and irritated. He was still too far from you to try and call out to him, so you skipped briskly along the suspended walkways between you to try and catch up to him.

Despite your urgent pace, Lo'ak quickly moved in the opposite direction from you, but from their tent, Neteyam walked out into the light of the sun wearing a subtle smile on his face. Approaching his tent, you called out to him. He glanced up at you in mild surprise and offered a polite nod.

You studied his face for injuries, but besides a busted lip, he seemed relatively unharmed. "I know what happened with Aonung," you began. "Well, sort of. I am very sorry about him and his friends." He gave you a soft smile and shook his head casually. "It was not your fault," he said simply. "There is no need for you to apologize."

As he spoke, you noticed the fresh blood on his lip from his cut. "You are cut," you observed. "Come with me." You grabbed his arm to lead him back to the healing canopy, but he resisted, shaking his head again. "This is nothing," he told you gently. "I will be fine."

You didn't let go of his arm. "You have come to our home as guests," you said softly. "Aonung and his friends have treated you dishonorably. Please, let me make it right." You gazed up at his face imploringly, and after a moment, his face softened and he nodded. "Alright," he conceded and followed your pulling hand.

Entering under the cover of your canopy, you had Neteyam sit down while you took out a small cloth and a salve. Dampening the cloth with fresh water, you turned to where he was sitting patiently for you.

Taking his jaw in your hand gently, you turned his face so that you could inspect the cut better. Neteyam's eyes stayed on your face for a moment before glancing away to fixate on the tent walls. In addition to the cut on his lip, you also noticed some more purplish spots starting to form on his neck.

You traced your fingers over the forming bruises on his neck. Neteyam tensed at your touch, and his eyes quickly darted to your face. You pulled back your hand from his neck and said, "Sorry." He gave you a subtle smirk. "It doesn't hurt," he assured you. "Just sensitive."

"Ah," you said in a low voice, looking away from his eyes sheepishly. You started to clean away the blood on his lip. "What did he do to start the fight?" You asked him, changing the subject. He blinked slowly and shook his head. "It does not matter," he replied in a quiet voice, looking away from you.

Your grip on his jaw tightened slightly, and you turned his face back so he would look you in the eyes. "What did he do?" You asked again in a more insistent tone. You could see him contemplating, and you held his face and gaze in expectant silence.

"He was making fun of Kiri and Lo'ak," he relented. "He called them freaks." The grip of your hand holding his face tightened reflexively as anger burned in your chest. You closed your eyes for a second to regain your composure before turning his head back to continue attending to his cut.

"I am very sorry, Neteyam," you murmured earnestly. "He never should have said those things." In your peripheral vision, you could see that his eyes were fixated on your face, but you kept your focus on his lip. "You do not have to apologize," he repeated from earlier, trying to keep his mouth still as he spoke. "You have shown nothing but kindness to my family since we arrived."

You glanced up for a moment to meet his eyes. He was looking back at you with a soft gaze, and you became aware of how close you were to his face. You turned away from him as you felt your cheeks grow warm to pull out the salve you had. Taking a small swatch on your thumb, you brushed it gently over his lip. You could feel his eyes on you as you did, and despite your best efforts, you glanced up at them. A beat of tense silence passed as you looked at each other wordlessly, one of your hands holding his face while the other was tracing his mouth.

Worried that he may be able to hear your heart pounding, you thought desperately of something to say. "He is intimidated by you," you said finally as you dropped your hands from his face and looked down from his eyes. Neteyam cocked his head to the side. "Aonung?" He clarified. You nodded as you wiped the remaining salve off of your fingers.

"He is the son of Olo'eyktan," you explained, shifting to sit on the floor next to him. "There has never been anybody to challenge that status until now, but not only was your father Olo'eyktan as well, but he was Toruk Makto. We were raised hearing stories of him. Some sound too strange to be true."

Neteyam looked at you in curiosity. "Stories?" He repeated. "Like what?"

You smiled, somewhat embarrassed. "There are many," you said slowly. "He  was once a human, a warrior from the stars." Neteyam nodded his head slowly. "That is true," he confirmed. You thought back for more rumors. "They say he killed one of the Na'vi to possess his body," you mentioned.

Neteyam let out a small, surprised laugh. "That one is not true," he said, amused at the story. "The Sky People grew his body from the blood of his brother and Na'vi blood, and his spirit now resides in it." Your forehead scrunched in confusion. "The blood of his brother?" You echoed, perplexed.

He shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly. "I don't even fully understand it," he admitted. "But the important thing is that no, he didn't possess anybody else's body to become one of the People." You nodded faintly, still very confused about Neteyam's answer.

"What else have you heard?" He prompted. You thought back to the way you imagined Toruk Makto before he came here. You had thought he would be large and intimidating like Tonowari, but with an authoritarian attitude and little humor. It was almost comical how he really was just like any other Na'vi father aside from some small physical differences and his accent.

"I thought he couldn't speak in the Na'vi tongue," you added. "We all thought he spoke a strange language." Neteyam nodded again. "When he led the revolt against the Sky People," he explained, "he spoke very little Na'vi. His first language is called English."

You tilted your head at the funny word. "English," you repeated. He smiled at your accent and nodded. "He usually only speaks it with my family," he said. "Many of the Omatikaya can speak it a little, too." You smiled back before asking, "What does it sound like?"

Neteyam shrugged. "What do you want me to say?" He said in English. You couldn't help but giggle at the strange language. "What does that mean?" You asked. He smiled at you in amusement. "I simply asked what you wanted me to say," he clarified.

You hummed thoughtfully as you came up with a phrase for him to say. You looked out at the afternoon sun casting brilliant reflections on the water outside of your tent. "The sea is very beautiful," you said finally. He looked out at the water for a moment. "The sea is very beautiful," he replied before looking back at you and adding, "and so are you."

You tilted your head and eyed him suspiciously. The pause between his words sounded like he said something extra. "All of that means 'The sea is very beautiful?'" You questioned skeptically. He glanced away for a moment with a faint smile. "Not all of it," he admitted. He paused for a moment, and then he said, "I said 'The sea is very beautiful, but I miss the forest.'"

"Ah," you said, nodding in understanding. "It must be very hard for you to be away from it." He sighed, looking back out at the sea with a far-away stare. "It is," he agreed after a while. "It is so different there. The sounds, the smells, everything. I don't think I have ever spent so much time in the sun as I have here."

You laughed at his last statement. "What do you mean?" You asked. He pointed out to where a few large, craggy precipices jutted out over the water. "The trees where I am from are higher than those cliffs," he explained. "When you are in the forest, very little sunlight reaches the ground."

Looking out to where he pointed, you shook your head in amazement. "I cannot even imagine trees like that," you said in wonder. He turned to you with a soft smile. "I'll take you to see them someday," he promised.

You smiled up at him, but it quickly faded away. You shook your head and looked away from his face. "No," you sighed regretfully. "I am tsakarem. It would not be right for me to leave the reef." He hummed in understanding. "I imagine your intended would not be happy about it either," he commented, watching you for your reaction.

You shifted uncomfortably. "No," you conceded quietly, "probably not."

When he didn't respond, you glanced up at his face and saw he was gazing at you expectantly. "He is not entirely to blame," you defended gently. "He and I have a great responsibility to the clan. He has carried it his whole life, but I am still getting used to it." He gave a small nod in understanding. "I have carried it my whole life, too," he said, then added in English, "but it didn't make me into an ass."

You smiled at the strange words and shot him a quizzical look. "I said, 'It is a heavy burden to bear,'" he translated for you. You nodded in agreement, and you missed the wry grin on his face.

"It must be nice for you finally to be free of that burden," you reflected. He heaved a heavy sigh and shook his head. "Even though my father is no longer Olo'eyktan, he still holds the title of Toruk Makto," he countered. "It is one that will always follow him, and so it will always follow me."

He stared out at the water in contemplation. There was a pause, and Neteyam gave another sigh. You could see the weight of his family's legacy on his face, and you felt a sense of compassion for him. "A heavy burden," you repeated his words quietly. He didn't say anything, lost in his own internal musings.

Even though you knew that the expectations weren't quite the same, you felt that on some level, you understood the struggle of upholding the standard of greatness in life. Your parents were very proud of your status of tsakarem, and you felt the pressure of it from them as well as Ronal, whose expectations were higher than everyone else.

"I never understood how heavy it was until now," you commented. "But I accepted my role. You were born into yours." Neteyam looked at you carefully and tilted his head in curiosity. "You accepted it," he repeated, "but did you actually want it?"

His question caught you off guard. As you pondered it, you felt a strange mix of emotions stirring in your chest. Nobody had ever considered that you wouldn't want to be tsakarem. It was easy to get swept up in the honor and prestige and forget about the fact that you were surrendering many of the freedoms you had previously enjoyed in order to prepare yourself to help lead the clan.

Your throat tightened unexpectedly as you thought about his question. Neteyam must have noticed your reaction because he shook his head apologetically. "I'm sorry," he said. "I did not mean to upset you." His words snapped you out of your thoughts. You shook your head dismissively and gave a weak smile.

"It's okay," you assured him. "I just..." you trailed off, not sure of what to say. After a beat, he took your hand comfortingly. "You carry the title with great dignity," he told you reassuringly. "And you bring honor to your people."

Your chest warmed at his words, easing the strain of his earlier question. With a shy smile, you asked, "How do you say 'thank you' in English?" He chuckled at your question. "Thank you," he told you in English.

"Thank you," you repeated in his funny language. He gave you a warm smile. "You're welcome," he replied. "You're welcome," you echoed thoughtfully. He nodded in approval. "That was almost perfect," he complimented. You hummed at his praise. "You'll have to teach me to speak it perfectly," you told him. He smiled as he looked at you. "I will," he promised gently.

You felt your cheeks warm at his soft gaze. You had never seen eyes quite like his. They were a shade of yellow you had never seen before, almost greenish in the reflections from the water.  In the prolonged silence, you realized that he was still holding your hand, so you blinked and pulled it away gently while you desperately thought of something to say.

"Your cut will heal within the next couple of days," you said finally. He blinked as though pulled from deep thought and nodded gratefully. "You are very kind," he told you. "Thank you."

You smiled. "You're welcome," you told him, trying your best to accurately mimic the way he said the phrase.

He chuckled at your use of his language. "You're a fast learner," he praised and then sighed. "I should go find my brother," he added. You nodded in understanding, and you both stood up. Before he could leave, you said, "Please send my apologies to Lo'ak."

Neteyam shook his head with a reproachful smile. He brought his hand up to your face and tilted your chin upwards with his fingers to look him in the eye. "You need to stop apologizing for things you didn't do," he told you earnestly. Then, he dropped his hand and walked out of the tent before you could reply and before he could see the deep blush forming on your face.

Later that evening, you had taken Tuk out to feed the ilus. Waist deep in the water, you both giggled as the pod of ilus gathered around, swimming in eager circles around you. You and the young girl took turns feeding them one by one.

"I think this one likes me," Tuk giggled as one of the animals nudged her side affectionately. "Yes, well, that one is notorious for loving whoever has the food," you said with a laugh. Taking a fish from the basket, Tuk fed the cuddly ilu. "Then I'll feed him every day," she said with a bright smile.

From behind you, you could hear someone moving through the water. You turned and saw Neteyam wading out to where you and Tuk were standing. Noticing her older brother, Tuk called out, "Look, Neteyam! Come feed the ilus with us."

Neteyam offered his sister a quick smile before it melted into a more urgent look.

"Have either of you seen Lo'ak?" He asked. You glanced at Tuk, who looked back at you with the same confused look. "I haven't seen him since I saw you last," you told him. "Is everything alright?"

Neteyam glanced quickly at his younger sister before looking back at you. "It's probably nothing, I'm just looking for him." He started to walk back out of the water, and you could see the look of agitation on his face. You handed Tuk the basket of fish and said, "Here, you keep feeding them, I'll be right back."

You moved out of the water to follow after Neteyam. He must've heard you behind him because he slowed down and waited for you to catch up to him. Stepping behind him, you asked, "What's wrong?"

He shot you a worried glance. "I've looked everywhere. There is no sign of him, and nobody has seen him." Your forehead scrunched up at his words. "When did you last see him?" You asked. He gave a loose shrug and replied, "Earlier today, same as you."

"At your home?" You clarified questioningly. He nodded. "Yes, after my father told him to go..." he trailed off, and you could see that a thought had entered his mind. His worried face hardened into aggravation, his jaw clenched, and his head tilted as he fought to compose his anger.

"What is it?" You questioned in concern. Neteyam took a moment to close his eyes before muttering, "Aonung." Your stomach dropped a little bit at his name. Surely, he wouldn't have caused any more trouble than he already had.

Neteyam turned from you sharply and walked at a brisk pace towards the village. You struggled to keep pace behind him. "What about Aonung?" You asked, confused. Without breaking his stride, Neteyam said, "My father told Lo'ak to apologize to him earlier, and that was the last time I saw him."

A feeling of unease settled over you, and you prayed that Lo'ak was just off brooding somewhere instead of being in trouble. As you both quickly stepped across the beach, you caught Aonung's familiar form standing in the shallow water.

"You," Neteyam called out to him in a hard tone. Aonung had been staring out at the water towards the Sea Wall, but at the sound of Neteyam's voice, he whipped around. He was immediately defensive as Neteyam stepped up to him in the water.

"Where is my brother?" He demanded. Aonung scoffed. "He's your brother," he replied in a haughty voice. "Aren't you the one supposed to babysit him?" Neteyam shot the other boy a burning glare and took a step forward to get in his face, causing Aonung to take an uneasy step back. "I kicked your ass once already today," Neteyam stated. "I will do it again if I have to."

"Enough," you said firmly, not wanting a repeat of their earlier altercation. The boys didn't say anything, still holding each other's glare. "Aonung, do you know where Lo'ak is?" You asked. After a brief pause, Aonung's eyes glanced away from Neteyam over to you, and you saw the uneasy look he had.

Your stomach sank. "Where is he?" You pressed, feeling frustrated at his silence. You could see his hesitation before he finally relented, "I'm not sure. We...we left him at Three Brothers Rock."

You inhaled sharply. "Aonung," you whispered, horrified. He didn't look at you, the severity of his actions sinking in. Neteyam was a little lost. "Where is that?" He asked you, desperate to know where his brother was. You didn't answer him, still looking at Aonung in disbelief.

"How could you do that?" you asked quietly, and he averted his eyes. You glanced back at Neteyam. "It is way out past the reef," you said. "It is not close, and it is very dangerous for him to be alone."

At your words, Neteyam's face twisted in anger. He stepped towards Aongung again, but you had anticipated his reaction and moved quickly to stand between them and placed a hand on his chest. "No fighting," you told him sternly. "We need to gather a search party for Lo'ak, not waste time giving each other more injuries for me to tend to later on."

Both the boys stared at each other for a moment before Neteyam looked down at you and gave you a barely-perceptible nod. You let your hand drop from his chest and looked over at Aonung. "When did you leave?" You asked him.

He shook his head uncomfortably. "It's been a few hours," he admitted. You closed your eyes with a heavy sigh. Neteyam huffed a sharp breath and grabbed Aonung by the back of his neck. "I'm done with this," he muttered and marched him back to the village.

A search party was quickly organized. Several warriors and divers on skimwings and ilus assembled to search for Lo'ak. With the sun receding behind the planet, you and the rest of your friends were ordered to stay within the Sea Wall.

You saw Neteyam pacing anxiously on the beach, looking out for any sign of his brother's return. You walked up to him carefully. "I'm sure they will find him soon," you assured him, breaking him from his thoughts. He heaved a large sigh and looked out towards the water.

"I should have been with him," he murmured. "This wouldn't have happened if I had been with him." You looked at him with sympathy. "You can't blame yourself," you told him gently. "If anyone is to blame, it is Aonung." He didn't argue with you, and you both knew you were right.

You sat down on the sand with a sigh, and after a moment, Neteyam followed suit and sat down beside you. "I have known him almost my whole life," you said as you sifted some sand between your fingers. "He has always been proud and stubborn, but he has never been malicious." You couldn't deny that Aonung's behavior towards the Sullys before had made you uncomfortable and disappointed, but this was on a whole new level, and you felt as though you didn't even know him at all.

You sighed again and looked over at Neteyam. He was staring out at the water with a blank gaze. You weren't sure what else to say. You couldn't assure him of his brother's safe return because there was a very real chance he was not safe. So, you just sat in silence beside him.

As the evening turned into night, Lo'ak eventually returned unharmed, much to the relief of you and Neteyam. After taking the blame for Aonung, an uneasy but not unfriendly relationship started between him and Lo'ak, and Neteyam put aside his anger for his brother's sake.

The next day, Lo'ak recounted how a lone tulkun had saved him from the akula the day before. After describing the creature who saved his life, Tsireya quickly realized that the tulkun was the outcast Payakan.

"I'm telling you guys, he saved my life," Lo'ak explained insistently. "He is my friend."

Everyone had doubtful looks, but Neteyam stood up with a jaunty smile and grabbed his brother by the shoulders. "My baby bro," he said lightheartedly. "The mighty warrior who faced the killer tulkun and lived to tell about it."

Lo'ak was not amused and pushed his brother's hands off of him. "You guys aren't listening," he huffed and walked away. You all called out to him, but he continued away in irritation. Tsireya followed after him, and the others all disbursed to start the day.

You remained sitting there, perplexed at what you had heard. Everyone in the clan knew about the dangerous, young bull who had killed both Na'vi and other tulkun, and Lo'ak's assertions of Payakan's innocence unsettled you. Deep in thought, you hadn't even realized that Neteyam had stayed behind until he asked, "What are you thinking?"

You blinked, startled out of your thoughts. You gave a short sigh. "Tsireya is right," you told him. "If it was Payakan, then your brother is lucky to be alive. Payakan is very dangerous." Neteyam looked out for a moment to where Lo'ak had stormed off. "He seems to think differently," he commented.

You shifted uncomfortably. "I do believe your brother sees Payakan as a friend, but there is a reason for his exile." You looked out at the water and shook your head faintly. "The good thing is that Lo'ak is safe," you told him.

He smiled at you warmly. "That is true," he conceded. "And I appreciate your concern for my brother. It means a lot." You shrugged and replied, "You are my friend. What concerns you concerns me."

He offered his hand to help pull you up. You took it, and he pulled you up effortlessly. After you steadied yourself, you moved to walk off, but Neteyam didn't let go of your hand. You looked up at his face questioningly, and he was staring back at you with a soft smile.

"I'm serious," he told you earnestly. "Your friendship means a lot to me. Thank you." His face was so sincere and his voice so heartfelt that you didn't respond for a moment. "You're welcome," you replied finally. He held your gaze for a moment, the corner of his lips turned upwards, before dropping your hand and walking away to begin the day.

As you watched him disappear, you couldn't help but wonder why it was exactly that your heart was beating so quickly.

Chapter 2

[skyemagica]

Skye's DIY HRT survival guide

After making a comment about DIY HRT on another post I've been helping a lot of people with supplying (and if you need help with that, shoot me a message!), while also pointing them in the direction of the DIY HRT Directory for other important info/tips, but I thought it would be nice to have the information readily available on Tumblr. (Especially considering the increased need I expect in the next four years. Stay safe.)

I can only speak from personal experience on transfem dosing, effects, etc., but I've tried my best to make this guide thorough for transmasc and transfem people!

How should I dose? Ultimately, it's up to you, but there are some helpful pointers as to where to start. Starting with testosterone, a low, medium and high dose of gel and injections:

And for estrogen - many girls going the legitimate route get started on an extremely low dose of estrogen (such as 1mg a day), but I can say that I started sublingually on 6mg, haven't had any nasty side effects and after only 4 months am having both visible and psychological/emotional changes. However, there is the rare but real possibility of your body having a negative reaction to your method of application, so going slow even for just a day or two might be worth your while. I got 6mg from the DIY HRT Directory, assuming you're also taking an anti-androgen. (More on those later.) As for injections:

What do I dose with? Again, it's up to you, though there are considerably more estrogen options than testosterone. Testosterone is typically available in injection and gel form, while you can get estrogen in pill, spray, gel, patch, or injection form. The reason injections are often recommended for estrogen is because of their affordability versus other methods, plus the ability to do monotherapy and not need an anti-androgen. (Anti-androgens are pills that block testosterone - extra cost, extra potential side effects. It is theoretical to reach monotherapy with other forms, but you should be aware of what a higher dose of E does to your body before attempting it.)

This does not mean you have to do injections for an effective transition. Thousands of trans people have met the goals you have in your head without injections - it is possible. We have technology! Er...pills, rather.

If you are in an unsafe environment, or even if any little thing makes you doubt your safety - lock up your medicine. Whether you have to hide it inside a sock, stuffed animal, or can afford an actual safe/lockbox, no one else has the right to interfere with your medicine. Life unfortunately doesn't always follow the linear patterns in our heads of wanting to be safe before we can start HRT - sometimes the noise in your brain gets so loud you run out of other options and have to take the risk.

If you think that your safety or shelter could be put at risk by starting HRT, look into resources in your area for queer and unhoused people. Have a go bag ready with your necessities. Set aside some extra money on an "emergency" prepaid debit card, especially if anyone who affects your safety also has access to your money.

Blood tests are ideal, but not required. I would be a hypocrite to encourage them too much, as I'm unable to get any right now without raising suspicion. Unfortunately, a lot of trans people are going to be in this same boat, or similar boats due to cost, inability to purchase in their area, etc. If this is an option for you, Private MD Labs, LabsMD, and Walk-In Lab provide private blood tests in the US without having to go through a doctor.

There are still visible ways to see that your dosage is working - they may not all be immediately recognizable, but within a few months you should have several signs. In my transfem experience, random erections were the first thing to go away, followed by a sudden emotional change (why am I crying at The Lion King for the first time when I've seen it many times?) and the starting of breast development. Transmasc individuals might notice some stubble growing, their voice getting lower, an increase in acne, increased appetite and sex drive, etc.

Where do I want my levels? Generally, you'll want your levels in the expected area for an adult cis male or female.

Transmasc: Total testosterone (T) 300-1000 ng/dL, estradiol (E2) lower than 50 pg/ml

Transfem: Total testosterone (T) below 50 ng/dL, estradiol (E2) above 100pg/mL

Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither are beards and boobs. It's very easy to get impatient with the results of HRT, but much like your first puberty, it's a process that takes several years. DIY does give you the advantage of adjusting your own dosage at your will, but if you don't have blood tests easily available, you're taking a shot in the dark. Here are some charts that give an estimate of the time range you should expect the changes of T and E, but everyone's body is different!

Can HRT make you gay? You may have heard of the phenomenon of people suddenly becoming attracted to men, women, or both when they start their hormone therapy, even if they weren't before. (There's not a real scientific backing for this, but it's documented enough to be listed as a side effect in some places.) And no, the HRT didn't make them gay - but it can change your sexual urges, and as you become more in tune with your true self, you may be more willing to notice or just accept things that you hadn't in the past.

I'm sure I'm missing things so there may be a part 2 later, but for any pressing questions just reply or shoot me a message! (This is how I've decided to try to help others through the upcoming unprecedented hell, for now. And if no one's told you this recently - you're not a burden, thank you for being you, and thank you fur trusting me to help!)

(Of course, don't just listen to me, I'm a dodo. I highly recommend reading through everything on the DIY HRT Directory when you have the chance! It is the main source for the info here, as well as my own personal experience, /r/TransDIY and GenderGP.)

[hyunjzone]

✰ melting

genre! fluff, sfw.

word count! 2.6k (2,617)

pairing! jisung x fem!reader

tags! sort of a friends to lovers trope, a little bit suggestive but not anything much, jisung and reader are close friends. not proofread again smh

summary! you and jisung try baking together, a little friendly activity with just you two; tension rises. do friends really do these things?

a/n! i am literally going crazy over jisung rn oh my gosh

“jisung!” you shout, staring at the ceiling, not taking your eyes off of it for several long seconds before your friend calls back to you. in his room, taking what he said was an important phone call.

“what?”

“we have a problem!”

“give me a sec,” he shouts back. jisung quickly wraps up his own business before he rushes back into the kitchen. an oven that was still warm, you with an apron on, standing by the counter; you guys were making cupcakes as a fun activity. jisung was helping you, though you both weren’t exactly too good in the kitchen. he’d left for not very long, just a few minutes, and he comes back to see you just as you were when he left. there wasn’t much wrong with the setting. not that he could tell. his mittens— ones for the kitchen— on that same counter, his apron was left on, the cupcakes had barely gotten out as he received that call. what was the problem?

you could practically hear the gears turning in jisung's brain as he tried to think of what could possibly be wrong in this setting. he looks down at his phone, then back at you. the guy shoves it in his back pocket, proceeding to step closer to you by the stove.

“what’s wrong?”

“well, y’know, i was trying to frost the cupcakes.”

“so?”

“do you have a ladder somewhere?”

he gives you a puzzled expression, left eyebrow slightly lifted higher than the other in a face of confusion. “why would you need a ladder now?”

“well,” you start, “if you just look up…”

you point up and you both simultaneously lift your heads, necks at a rather uncomfortable angle. his eyes widen and he looks back at you, shaking his head to get some form of recollection of his own thoughts.

“why is there frosting on the ceiling? no, how is there frosting on the ceiling?!”

“i don’t even know! you know i’m not good in the kitchen!” you retort.

“but i left you alone for barely five minutes?!”

“just, i don’t know, okay?”

he lets out a sigh and then chuckles to himself; chuckles evolve into laughter. what’s he giggling about?

“what’s so funny?” you ask with a suspicion that he’s laughing at you.

“i just didn’t know that anyone could even do that. but i guess with you, you can do anything. even get frosting on the ceiling.”

“loser,” you say back in a— you’ll admit— lame way to ignore his teasing remarks. “i don’t know how to deal with that. so i’m just gonna keep frosting these cupcakes.”

“i should do it,” he suggested. “i don’t want more frosting on my—“

“nope,” you start to cut him off, grabbing the piping bag slightly tighter in your hand. “my job.”

he gives you a stern look, one that says just why, in a jisung way. now his lips are formed into a slight pout, eyebrows furrowed in that little feeling of annoyance within him. why you wouldn’t just lend him the task, he couldn’t comprehend. the urge to snatch it out of your hands when you least expect just to throw you off was getting stronger, but that might make things messier. so instead, he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries again. “i can take over,” he smiles.

“no,” you reply, voice firm yet gentle. “i can do it myself.” your tongue stuck out just barely from your lips in an expression of focus in the moment, you were going to ice those cupcakes and do it without jisung’s help. why? just to prove you’re more responsible in the kitchen than what showed when he was gone.

that little face of yours when you felt so set on proving you can do something so simple gave jisung’s heart a little flutter, a strange feeling, one he wasn’t quite familiar with. it wasn’t too bad, but he felt himself fighting back a smile and another giggle. maybe it was due to the fact that he thought you were cute, being so committed to the task, or maybe cause he enjoyed the way you reacted when you got it done; letting out an almost inaudible sigh of relief and then moving to the next ‘til you got the dozen finished.

“are you sure you want to do this?” he asked. you nod vigorously, still smiling slightly. he let out a playful scoff and nudged your shoulder, though careful not to mess up your workflow.

“fine. but you should know you have frosting on your face.”

“frosting? on my face?” you pat down your face, everywhere you think of. “how would frosting even get there?”

“i don’t know. i was just joking.”

the guy winces when you punch at his shoulder— not harshly, rather playfully— and puts on a display of fake shock. he grabs his shoulder, rubbing it gently, whining softly. “you wounded me. that’s not what friends do.”

“don’t distract me, friend,” you say back.

he grins and watches you for a moment while you finish up. the guy has this endearing gaze when he looks at you, and he doesn’t realize it until you look back at him after setting down the piping bag and blink those eyes. he realizes he’d been sort of staring.

but man, he can’t help it. you look prettier than usual. but you were just a friend. just a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, awesome friend of his. that he loves dearly. that he wants to purposefully dab that vanilla frosting onto your nose and your cheeks and your lips just to kiss it off.

what?

“no, nevermind. i can’t do that…”

“whatcha thinking so hard about, weirdo?”

“huh?”

“you said a little something just now.”

“huh? sorry, i zoned out.” he shakes his head and looks to the cupcakes once again. you’d done a good job and now he needed to decorate them a bit. that bottle of colorful sprinkles could finally be put to use; rainbow colors, sprinkled by yours truly, jisung. jisung thinks about how crazy he is. well, he can’t deny that at some points in your friendship he considered the idea of taking it beyond just the idea of friends, but he thought he was crazy then; he still thinks he’s crazy now. only cause you’re so out of reach— right there but still just too far.

a sigh.

“was that a workout for you?” you comment on his reaction to something you can’t determine. why’d he just sigh? well, you couldn’t know. you can’t read minds, but you can sure read jisung. his face has that hint of pink and when he looks all focused on that for a reason you can’t determine, something’s on his mind— but what?

“what are you talking about?” he says back with a confused tone yet again.

“you let out a sigh like it was so hard.”

“shut up, dude.”

giggles fill the air, all your own. you’re enjoying the feeling of teasing him and something inside jisung’s gut feels happy too, but he cant pin the reason why down, not now. your laughing, it eventually comes to a stop. jisung smiles sweetly at you, like those cupcakes you were going to eat. he also did his job well, they were sprinkled nicely.

“teamwork!” he exclaims. “we did it!”

“we did it,” you replied back. “and i’m hungry!”

you reach to the roll of tissues in his kitchen and break off two, one for each of you. jisung picks a cupcake for himself, and gives you the one you told him you wanted. “just for you,” he says.

you thank him and he starts eating his cupcake as he watches you, admiring your little smile. you were always so sweet. so sweet and gentle, so kind— maybe he really does love you.

though he is afraid, afraid to mess things up and afraid to listen to his gut feeling that was telling him he likes you because maybe it’s really saying something else. he must be all wrong. all wrong. it doesn’t feel like that, though, because when you take that slow bite of your cupcake and that very tip of frosting dabs itself just barely, to the end of your nose, he feels like making a move. he stares at it for a second before deciding not to. he couldn’t, it’s stupid. the feeling will be gone by tomorrow.

what if it doesn’t?

“you have frosting. on your face.”

“nice try,” you mutter back after swallowing that bite of the cupcake.

“no, really.” jisung’s voice isn’t so playful, it’s more genuine, honest, and laced with something else you cannot decipher. he reaches his hand in, swooping the speck of vanilla from your face on his fingertips. you feel a little surprised that this time he was serious, and feel around your face again.

“is there more?”

“no,” he scoffs, “that was it.” he gives you a smirk and glances to his napkin, and suddenly he doesn’t feel like wiping this off his hands.

silence.

“huh?” you asked yourself softly, a whisper. you weren’t expecting the gesture and it made your heart beat faster.

a smile spreads on his face, one that makes you want to see it more. the smile is just so beautiful to you, well, he really hopes that it does. he licks at his middle finger another time.

“it didn’t lose its flavor. maybe cause you’re sweet too.”

“why would you do that?” you ask, not cause you’re upset or confused— actually, confused, yes— but out of sheer curiosity. jisung chuckles and shrugs, then moves to clean his finger off on the napkin. “i dunno,” he replies, honestly. “i just wanted to.”

a moment passes between the two of you, filled with silence and thoughts and feelings. jisung knows that this is dangerous territory, where you two could become all kinds of complicated; but he doesn’t feel ready to give it up. now he’s struck with the realization that he’s been running away from himself, from feelings that he’s trying to ignore, and yet, they still exist. you’d been doing the same.

oh, but life is good as best friends, would anything further be as great? would it become awkward, silent between you? neither of you are quite sure. and neither of you can ignore it: the tension rising and the thoughts sparking everywhere. he’s scared of everything coming undone, and you’re scared of becoming attached.

“hey,” you break the silence with a quiet voice. he turns to you quickly to respond, then stops when you raise a finger to his lips. “you know stuff like that isn’t what friends do. so why’d you do it?”

his head tilts. “do what?”

“do… that thing. with the frosting.”

“what’s wrong with it?” your friend laughs quietly. “it’s innocent, only a little affection.”

“but,” you start again, “it’s embarrassing.”

“no, it’s not,” he tells you firmly, “it���s just us. y’know? it’s fine when it’s me and you, right?”

your face feels like it’s warming up from embarrassment. this guy is unbelievable. “yeah, i know, but it’s different since we’re…” you wave your hand in the air as you search for the right word. “just, you know what i mean.”

jisung nods and hums, he does know. you don’t need to say anything; because there really is no words for what he feels for you. not much that can exactly describe that feeling that he can’t get over, he’s pretty sure of that. maybe he should just forget about it, pretend it never happened and pretend he doesn’t have feelings for you. it wouldn’t last long anyway, but it could make things a lot easier for everyone around him.

he’s in love with you.

sounds fall into silence between the two of you. neither of you know what to say anymore. or maybe you both do know what to say but you both won’t say it, either. and neither of you knew that the feeling of kissing the other was mutual.

the feeling of sharing an experience like that with you was driving him crazy, but he doesnt show that. he’s imagining it, how your lips would feel. and the taste, oh god, he’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t a little turned on, okay, just a little. yeah, that’s it.

“jesus christ, jisung, stop daydreaming and finish eating your cupcake already,” you say— just to mess with him— and you hear a small chuckle leave his mouth. he shakes his head a little and mumbles out an apology. but, it didn’t sound like it mattered, he was smiling even more than before and that’s enough for you.

after a few bites you finally tell him you’ve finished your cupcake, you’re gonna go home now. his eyes turn to you, almost begging you not to go, though he nods in agreement. perhaps it was a crucial moment, one where he could say all that he wanted to, but he’d rather keep his mouth shut for longer. he walks you to the door after he gave you half of the batch to keep.

“thank you,” he whispers.

“for what?”

“this,” he explains, “this day, all of it. you were right. the cupcakes were great, baking them is fun. i liked watching you eat them. i liked eating them myself. it was fun. it was so fun.”

your cheeks grow warm at his words. you look at your feet, down at the floor, trying to find something to say that doesn’t sound dumb. “it was fun. i had a nice time,” you murmur softly.

the two of you stand there in front of each other, not moving. you don’t know why, but it was tense again. you wondered if you should say something else.

“oh, y’know what… i’m sorry for what i’m about to do.”

“what?” you ask him softly, looking at him.

“i’m sorry,” he says again, taking you by surprise when he takes your hand in his own. he starts to rub his thumb over your knuckles and presses a deep, chaste kiss to your lips. it wasn’t crazily passionate or anything, but you felt warmth, a new kind of one. it was lovely, really.

it felt different. somehow, it felt like it meant something.

“i’ll text you later,” he whispers, pulling you into a tight hug. jisung rubs your back and your shoulders lovingly, it’s a gentle touch. he lets go of you after a long while, looking at your blushing face. “let’s go,” he mutters with an anxious undertone when he walks you to your car. opening the door for you, you enter your own car and mumble a goodbye, trying to close the door and leave as fast as possible so you can scream and dream all about what just happened, but jisung stops you.

“ji, i gotta go.”

“i know. i just want to let you know i love you.” he averts his eyes and bites his lip, grinning at the nickname, plus other things on his mind right now. his cheeks flush pink as you stare at him and you realize something. he likes you. he has for a long time now. he wasn’t looking at you when he said that, but he hopes you heard him well. and you did.

“i love you too,” you reply bashfully. he looks back at you and laughs nervously before pinching at your cheek.

“see you. get home safely,” your friend nods.

well, he’s not much of a friend anymore.

it feels good. were you worrying for nothing?

both of you said your goodbyes, so you start up your car. he watches as you wave and drive off, and he stands outside for a bit longer than he should. he longs for you. has he got you now? upon entering his home again, jisung shuts the door behind him. realization settles into him once more and he melts.

you gotta like him back, right?

[fullsunrise]

Playing With Fire (M)

Word count: 1.8k

Pairing: Johnny x Original female character

Genre: Office AU, some angst, light smut

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, Johnny is a bully, heavy sexual themes, non-explicit smut (don't hookup with your coworkers!), uh semi-public sex

A/N: Uhhh I don't know what this is, but it's pretty much self-indulgent lmao

There was nothing quite like early winter in the city, with the twinkling lights tangled in the bare trees and a to-go coffee that was almost too hot. This early in the morning, there was no one around. It was calming, and Nari wanted to appreciate the silence before all hell broke loose. She sat on the unoccupied bench outside of her building, savoring the last five minutes she had until she had to face her worst nightmare. That nightmare happened to have a name: Johnny.

Johnny Suh from Sales. Even thinking about him made Nari’s eye twitch. Ever since she was forced to work with him on her latest project, he made it his sole mission to make her life a living hell. Never once in Nari’s career has she had to work with someone so egotistical, cunning, and above all else: annoyingly attractive.

Although she had been working at her company for the last two years, she had never heard of him. Not until she saw an unfamiliar name CC’d on an email from her boss. Confused, she made her way to her boss’s office.

“He's been here almost as long as you have, I believe,” her boss told her. “Great guy, it should be a breeze working with him.”

It was hilarious how wrong he was. Nari’s reality was most definitely not a breeze, but more like a hurricane. Whatever higher being set this up was surely laughing at her now as she struggled against the powerful storm.

To stand any chance, Nari knew she needed any advice she could get. And who else was more equipped than Jaehyun? After years of working at law firms across the city, Nari was sure he was the only person who could understand how to deal with egotistical monsters.

“I'm just saying, maybe try to avoid any interactions with the guy. I mean he's clearly a prick,” Jaehyun said, then took a sip of his beer.

“Trust me, I've been trying to avoid him but it's impossible when we have to work directly together,” Nari replied.

It was hopeless. Johnny was too smart. Careful not to push it too far, he was only condescending to her face. He made sure his actions spoke for him, though. Like last week when he went out to lunch with their project team, he accidentally forgot to invite her. And just a day ago, she swore he was whispering about her to another coworker in the kitchen. Then he laughed loud enough for Nari to hear, only confirming her suspicions. It was subtle, but enough to make her go insane.

“Don't let him get to you,” Jaehyun offered. “You know he's only doing this because he feels threatened by you.”

Threatened? Why would Johnny be threatened by her? Nothing about her was particularly threatening. Sure, Nari was good at her job but she never did anything that would cause someone to dislike her. And certainly she would never step on anyone just to get a promotion. In her corporate life, Nari made sure to remain honest, social, and professional. Unlike Johnny, who couldn't have a more opposite approach.

“I’ll try,” she replied. “But enough about me. How's it going in your world?”

“Same ol’ bullshit as always,” he chuckled.

They spoke about their jobs for a while longer, laughing at random anecdotes from the week. Nari didn't speak about Johnny again, and shortly the thought of him was washed down along with her Gin and tonic. Somewhere between her first and third drinks, Jaehyun asked her how her dating life had been. It caught her off guard only for a moment as she reached for an answer in her muddled brain. With her thoughts slowed, the best she managed to pull was a horrific yet comical dating story. Jaehyun laughed along with her and shared his own. It was always weird talking about her love life with Jaehyun but it was still nice nonetheless. But she would never get used to it, even though there were no lingering feelings left between them.

Nari came back to her apartment feeling a bit lighter after seeing Jaehyun. While he helped her forget about Johnny momentarily, Nari dreaded tomorrow. It was the day of the company holiday party. Normally Nari looked forward to it every year, but the idea of running into Johnny made her stomach churn. Sure, there were going to be a lot of employees and plus ones but the chance of seeing him wasn't zero.

The next day quickly flew by, with little to no urgent work that needed to get done. Nari always appreciated slow work days, but today she wished the day lasted a bit longer. Because as the moon rose in the sky, she knew could no longer hide.

The rooftop lounge was packed with her coworkers spread out across fancy bar top tables. Nari and a few of her team members claimed a spot close to the bar. While she was promised it would limit any unwanted interactions, the idea of walking up with all eyes on her made her mouth dry.

“I’m gonna get another drink,” Nari shouted on top of the loud music.

Much to her relief, Nari didn't recognize the people she passed on her way to the bar. No Johnny in sight, her shoulders relaxed instantly.

“One Old Fashioned, thanks,” the guy with slicked back hair in front of her ordered. Ugh, what kind of person would order that?

The guy with the slicked back hair turned around, and the moment Nari locked eyes with him she was frozen in place. The worst scenario Nair conjured in her mind was happening right now, in real life.

Johnny looked at her for a second before turning away to talk to his friend. That didn't bother Nari, but the fact that he decided to brush past her like she was invisible set her off.

Chasing after Johnny wasn't how Nari expected to spend her night, but there she was pushing through the crowd. Johnny moved fast, but she was able to catch up in the bathroom hallway.

“Why?” The liquor coursed through her veins, giving her the courage to speak up.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Johnny deadpanned, as he turned around to look straight through her. It was clear he was avoiding her question, which in turn only made her angrier.

“Don't play dumb, you know what you're doing,” she accused, her voice raising.

“You're going to be a bit more specific than that, sweetheart,” he said, crossing his arms across his chest.

“So you're just going to pretend like you haven't made my life a living hell the last few months?”

“I think that's too harsh,” he answered, his expression softening. That look could've worked on other women, but Nari wasn't going to give in.

“It's the truth, you've hated me ever since that day.”

“When did I say I hated you?”

Jaehyun’s words echoed in her mind. “Admit it, you’re threatened by me.”

Bingo. Her words seemed to strike a nerve with Johnny, because the next thing she knew he grabbed her arm and pulled her into the bathroom. Warning signs went off in her head immediately, but it happened so quickly that she couldn't break away.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he seethed, taking a step closer to her.

Was he always standing this close? The temperature was rising, and Nari could feel the blood rush into her cheeks.

“I think I do,” Nari breathed, trying to sound confident. But her quivering voice didn't fool him.

His kisses were feverish against her skin he left bites along the curve of her neck. As he made his way down to her collarbone, Nari’s eyebrows scrunched together. With her lips slightly parted in pleasure, Johnny took the opportunity to steal the air from her lungs in one swift motion. His lips were rough and chapped from the cold, but the way they molded to her own left her utterly breathless. When he abruptly bit her lower lip and gazed at her, she knew she was done for. Deep desire pooled in his eyes and her body craved more of the pleasure he brought. Nari knew right then and there that she had no plans of stopping him.

“No, you don't,” he asserted, breaking the kiss for only a second before diving back in.

Her back was flush against the wall now, the cool tile contrasting against the heat of her skin. Johnny held the side of her jaw forcefully, with his other hand tracing the contour of her waistband. Out the window was her moral compass along with her dignity, her judgment clouded with pure desire.

The sensation of his hand dipping lower only added to her bubbling lust. Without warning, he snaked his hand out of her waistband. Nari whined at the loss and Johnny chuckled in amusement.

“Oh?” he mused, his grin never leaving his face. “You don't like that?”

Nari could only shake her head in response, her brain too muddled to think clearly. Satisfied with her frazzled state, Johnny resumed his motions. Her gasps bounced off the bathroom walls as she chased the high, no longer caring who could hear. With each moan that escaped her lips, she began to fall apart. Strands of hair came loose and tears of pleasure pooled. Her release was imminent, but before she could reach the climax Johnny suddenly stopped.

“I'm sorry, did you want more?” he asked, forehead pressed to her own.

Falling from her high, the reality of the situation came back into focus. What the hell was she doing? Not too long ago Nari couldn't even fathom being in the same room as Johnny, let alone letting herself unravel in front of him. It almost sickened her how quickly she folded under his spell. He knew exactly what he was doing and Nari was willingly falling right into his trap.

“Please,” she replied as she tried to catch her breath.

That was all Johnny needed to continue. With her pleasure still heightened, it took Nari only a few minutes to fully come undone. If Johnny wanted, she would let him take her right then and there. All the sirens in her head told her it was wrong, but why did it feel so right?

“See you tomorrow,” he snickered as he pulled away from her. Giving her a quick once over, he left the bathroom without another word.

Left alone with nothing but her reeling thoughts, Nari glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Disheveled hair and smudged mascara. Nari could barely recognize herself. As she attempted to fix her unruly state, Johnny’s words mocked her. Their little affair was going to cost her. She wasn't going to get fired over it, no, but her impulses were going to cost her the little bit of sanity she had left. Johnny was going to take it all and ruin her beyond recognition.

[monalovesstarsz]

Maybe we could

Genre: Non idol au, Hospital au

Pairings: Shy sick sunghoonxchronic illness shy y/n (I clearly don't know how to do this)

Summary: Y/n starts to spend a lot of time in a hospital due to her health and its super lonely until she meets sunghoon and they agree to try their best to live as regular teens.

Warnings: uhh I'm not totally sure but illnesses, thoughts of death, hospitals, depression, mentions of death (probably) Kys joke, sick joke, death joke.

Not proof read 🙈

"WAIT EXCUSE ME?!?!?" you said horrified that he had known this whole time. Before the elevator door closes Gisellse sticks her foot in it to get more answers

"it's okay I know, you've been following me for the past couple of days I should be the one asking questions don't you think?" Sunghoon giggled slightly from seeing your reaction

"I-um I uh don't know what you're talking about sunghoon y-you sound crazy!" No he was right but you tried your best to make it seem like he was lying even though your stutter did not help your case at all.

"Now that I think about it we're were pretty obvious y/n."

"Giselle!!!" You smacked her arm and groaned in response

"It's okay it made my day most of the time! Although I thought you would approach me sooner and it was pretty creepy of you." You could tell he was trying to contain his laugh and once again you groaned in response.

"How long have you known?"

"Uhh I had my suspicion the first two or three days but then the day when I felt like you had been following me extra I turned and you were reading a magazine very intently." You waited for him to finish his sentence but you noticed he thought that was enough of an answer.

"So? That's normal."

"It was upside down y/n"

"Oh!"

"So you know where I'll be tomorrow right?" Asked sunghoon as Giselle finally moved her foot from the elevator.

"Yeah yeah you'll be in the lounge area reading a book" you said while you sarcastically rolled your eyes and let out a sigh. You couldn't believe it he had known for more than half of the time.

"Okay see you tomorrow y/n!" And with that the elevator door closed.

"Great." You muttered you knew you were gonna loose sleep over this for sure it was just to humiliating for it not to.

Gisellse finally broke the awkward embarrassing silence."Well time for you to go back to your room and eat dinner. I can't believe he knew I mean it was obvious and you gotta admit he's a pretty good actor for pretending he didn't know!" And you groaned hiding your face in your hands as your elbows rested on your knees hunched over as Gisellse wheeled you into your room.

"So he has known this entire time?!" Asked Hanni through the phone.

"That's what he said. I mean it was so embarrassing Nini like he has known this whole time ughhhh!" You as answered.

Danielle tried to make you feel better "Well maybe he didn't think much about it he still talked to you and you said you talked for awhile so that must be a good thing right?"

"Nah she totally bombed that he totally thinks she's in love with him and that you're a total creep."

"Go kill yourself Jake." You joked annoyed at his totally realistic scenario (sadly).

"Y/n you're fine he probably thinks that's cute so he probably likes you back." Jay said in the way you knew he had shrugged when he said that.

"Jay I do Nawt like him like that and I hope to goodness he does once again thinks that I like him."

"Nah man she totally likes him no scratch that she loooooves him she practically has hearts in her eyes when she talks about Mr. 'Ice prince'." He said love in a higher pitched voice and ice prince in quotation marks because Jake doesn't know his actual name.

"Jake didn't I already tell you to go kill yourself? Go jump of a very steep rocky cliff or something." You said sarcastically rolling your eyes.

"Yeah yeah you'd probably cry yourself to sleep every night if I ever did that"

"Yeah right." You mumbled

"Okayy but y/n didn't you tell me he's very good looking?" Danielle asked causing you to blush but thankfully your phone camera didn't pick it up.

"Uh yeah I did but that doesn't mean I like him let alone that I'm in love with him" you answered quickly but maybe too quickly. You saying that he was good looking was an understatement because wow. He could easily get a model or idol contract. He was incredibly good looking and still you were not giving him enough credit.

"Yeah she's in love but he probably doesn't like you back cuz your a creep" you had enough of Jake's playful banter so you had to say something besides go kys.

"Will I remind you I was only a creep cuz I'm lonely in this hospital and you guys don't visit me enough? Oh I'm sick and there's a chance I might possibly die." You said jokingly while you faked cough to really sell it.

"I will visit you y/n, but maybe when you're six feet under." Ooh next time you see him in person you would for sure not let him get away with it. You started to fake cry that turned into a sob.

"You're so *sniffle cruel *sniffle jake *fake sob." You said while wiping away fake tears.

"I'm sowy y/niee pwease forgive me I'm saur saur sowwyy." Jake said while giving the camera puppy dogs and doing the uwu pose.

And in return he got multiple Ewws from Danielle and Hanni.

"What the fuck was that." Jay said

"No way!! I got a vid of you doing that Jake!!!!" You said laughing hysterically.

"What do you mean y/n?."

"I started screen recording cuz I had a feeling you would do something hilarious!!" You were still laughing hysterically.

"What oh my gosh y/n you have to send that to me like right now!" Danielle had also started laughing

"Wait send it to me please I need that video y/n!" Hanni said.

"Yeah I'll need it too for blackmailing and stuff."

"what?! You don't need to blackmail me jay we are the bestest of friends my very dear jay!"

You had checked the time when Giselle began to speak "Sorry to interrupt the fun guys but Y/n has to do her routine for bed now." That reminded you about the fact that you were where you were. In the hospital because you're not okay. Some days were so bad you barely could get out of bed but you did (to follow sunghoon). You had found out that something was wrong with your stomach organs (idk if this is very accurate so ignore if it is). It kinda made you down because your friends could go to school, hangout in public places. It's okay you'll get better though right?

"kayy then bye guys call you soon and if you guys don't visit soon I'll murder you all... Im just joking guys but please visit hate to sound like an annoying ex so visit now!." You said giggling.

"Okay bye bye guys- oh wait y/n next time tell us what the guys name is you haven't told me!"you kept forgetting.

"Oops kay remind me then!" You were followed by an okay and multiple byes.

You were in your bed trying to sleep but you couldn't stop thinking about being in here. It wasn't right to be like this when you're supposed to be a normal teen. I mean people your age went out to movies and malls. They disobeyed their parents and snuck out. The idea has always scared you so sneak out you did not, but you missed going to the mall with Hanni and Danielle while you dragged Jake and Jay along with you. You missed when Jake and Jay would in return drag you to watch the latest horror movie even though you don't particularly enjoy them. You missed going to watch jay and Jake play at the basketball games which you hadn't enjoyed but ever since they played you actually realized they were fun. Especially when you guys won wait- 'Oh my gosh' you though. Sunghoon had been here for years! Had he gone to school? Had he been to the mall recently? Watched the latest horror movie? Gone to a high school basketball game? It made you so so sad. He had missed so much of his life he he hadn't gone out. Then you made up your mind. You weren't gonna let this being sick thing control your and sunghoons life. Sunghoon probably hasn't lived as a teenager since ever, seeing from what Giselle had told you about him. So tomorrow you would ask him about what he thinks about this living life to the fullest. Hopefully you wouldn't back out of asking him.

"Heyy Y/n how was your morning?" Sunghoon asked with a very pretty smile. He was just wearing grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. While you wore a white tank top with grey baggy sweats and a light pink zip up hoodie. He sat where you had first seen him. He always sits in the lounge/Food area. You liked this area it's either quiet and the sun shines in through the windows beautifully or it was filled with people interacting with each other. Well it wasn't filled filled but it was enjoyable to see people laughing around. It reminded you of school but without the studying part.

"Hi Sunghoon! My morning was fine I just watched some t.v shows.. How was your morning?"

"Same I slept longer than usual so I didn't do much."

An awkward silence took over. You and Sunghoon were both very very awkward people so you didn't know what to talk to him about. It was a miracle you two talked about whatever yesterday and for a while too, but you realized you two only talked about random things you actually never really got to know him.

"So what got you into ice skating?" You broke the silence but it wasn't the best conversation starter since it would probably be a normal quick answer.

"Oh well when I was a kid I was less social I guess so my parents put me into hockey so I wouldn't be friendless." He lets out a small giggle with made you happy that he was smiling "But I tried figure skating once and I loved it a lot. It felt better because I didn't have like hockey gear, so I asked my parents and they signed me up right away."

"Oh so you had trouble talking to kids too? "

"Yeah don't tell me you did also?"

"I did I was friends with these kids throughout elementary but they just bullied me so I didn't make a lot of friends."

"What about your friends that you told me about?"

"I met them through my Orchestra class. I met my friend Jake and Danielle through my orchestra class, and I met jay and Hanni through them and we've been friends since middle school."

"So does that mean you know how to play an instrument?"

"Yeah I know the violin. So does Jake but Danielle plays Viola."

"That's cool I wished I was in a music class but figure skating took up most of my time at so I didn't really get to go to school. That brings me back to what I was wondering. Why do you want to learn to ice skate?".

"Uhm I don't know? Why wouldn't you want to learn how to skate on ice?" You giggled.

"It seems very fun and like when I see people do it they look so airy if that makes sense which it might not."

"Ohhh I get you. I guess I'm just cool like that knowing how to ice skate and like a pro too. You'll have a great teacher."

"Sure sure" you said rolling your eyes sarcastically.

"Y'know that makes me wonder why do you want to learn how to draw?" You had actually been wondering this for since he asked you about it but you figured he just wanted a hobby to do.

"I just want a hobby to keep me busy during these times. Plus we'll get to know each other better since you'll be the one teaching me right?" You were right about the hobby part, but the part he said after made your heart flutter a little bit. You couldn't believe he actually wanted to be your friend. Which made you wonder another question.

"Also, why didn't you get weirded out? I mean like when I followed you? Like that was pretty creepy dude like that was so so weird."

"Well when you put it like that, that was really really weird. I'm joking but not really. I just figured you were curious about me. I guess I also thought that you wanted to be friends."

"In my defense I was curious about you and I also wanted to be your friend. I just didn't come up with a normal solution to my problem so I thought i'd follow you." You said shrugging

"See I was right! You also need to figure out how to make friends because following people and stalking them is a little crazy" he said laughing as you groaned in embarrassment. Although you were happy he smiled at you. Gosh he was really pretty. Wait you shouldn't think that or your friends will be right.

"Yeah I do need to figure that out" you said sighing.

"So when did you start to draw?"

"Oh I think I've always drawn. Like Ive done it my whole life but I'm not that good to be honest."

"Nah you're just being shy! I saw your drawings last night and they were really good!Like the ones on your wall were so colorful!"

"Thank you!!" You were getting very flustered "I mean I'm okay but Im not very creative... Well actually lately I have been because I've been having weird dreams but i'm very creative."

"You're a very good artist y/n and you are very creative those dreams prove it!!"

"Thank you Sunghoon you're very kind" you were a giggly mess but you tried to hide it.

"Ohh sunghoon I brought my sketchbook and some pencils so if you want to draw?" You had totally forgotten that you did bring your art supplies but sunghoons compliments reminded you.

"I was hoping you did! I'm not good so you're gonna have to give me some pointers cuz I kinda suck"

"I don't believe you I bet you're great at drawing!!"

You gave sunghoon a piece of paper and a pencil. He told you that he was gonna draw a picture he found on Pinterest of a butterfly. 15 minutes later you were proven wrong, he kinda did suck at drawing.

"I told ya y/n.."

"Well yeah I guess you were right .. But Everyone has their skill level and you just need to practice!! Simple as that"

"I suck but with you're help I won't!"

"Okay I'm not sure how I can help you but I'll try my best ?" You were asking yourself that more than anything but it's fine you were going to be able to spend more time with him.

" I bet you're a great teacher!!Anyway whatcha drawing y/n??"

"Hmm?" You looked up at sunghoon once again. You had been so focused on drawing and listening to sunghoon that you drew him AND a penguin. Why a penguin? Maybe it was because they reminded you oddly of sunghoon.

"Oh uhm nothing important just uh..." you shouldn't have drawn him that's too creepy (but following him around the hospital wasn't).

"Just what?"

Maybe the penguin was more acceptable but the drawing of him was a no go, but before you could possibly scribble out his face he took your sketchbook from you.

"Woah."

"I'm sorry I just was to focused on what to draw and I was listening to you talk and I guess I just stared drawing and I kno-"

"Y/n this is really good!! I don't think I've ever had anyone draw me ever before!!! I'm actually really flattered and happy!! You really captured my good looks" Sunghoon said the last part with a cocky smirk.

"You actually like it? That's a relief cuz I thought you were think I'm a total creep once again"

"I could still think that you're a good artist and a creep"

"Whatever sunghoon" rolling your eyes as you said that.

"Wait what's this? A penguin? it's really cute!"

"Oh yeah penguins remind me of you I guess so I drew that subconsciously while I listened to you talk. Its adorable huh?"

"what? No."

"hey what? What do you mean no? "

"I'm not cute or adorable! I'm handsome and manly"

"Sunghoon I hate to break it to you but you're low-key a cutie"

"Nuh uh I'm hot and sexy"

"Yuh huh your cute!" Wait a second you just called him cute, but you didn't mean it like he was cute cute. Well he is but you meant it in like a cute penguin kind of way.

"Nuh uh once again. I'm very very hot."

"Sure bud whatever you say cutie"

"Whatever y/n. You should teach me how to draw a penguin though!!"

You started to teach him about drawing circles to map out your drawing and then continuing to go into detail and stuff. It took him about an hour to get something he liked and something that was acceptable to show you. As he drew he was focused so you guys stopped talking. Letting you start to think about what you were gonna ask him. You were nervous but you didn't know why. It was just a simple question. Okay it was now or never. At least that's what you thought.

"Uhm Sunghoon?"

"hmm?" He was so focused he didn't even look up.

"I was wondering if you miss being a teenager?"

"What do you mean y/n?" He didn't sound annoyed or mad so you continued.

"Well what I mean is do you miss living your life? You don't have to answer me but I haven't been here for very long and I miss it. Well I know I'm gonna be here awhile so I guess it's just fomo."

"oh I get it, I do miss it y/n you don't have to be afraid to ask. Ive been here longer so you can always ask me about stuff like this y/n. " Whew that was a relief.

"But it's not just me being curious. I don't want to just live my so called best years of my life in the hospital." You were worried if it sounded rude to say but it was good to get this off your chest. Ever since you started feeling sick you had missed out on lots of stuff. Ever since you got into the hospital you started to think a lot more about death. Sure it was kinda sad but that's what your brain had always wondered, and now especially since there's a bigger chance of you dying now. You wondered what happened after. Where would you go? Is there anything after? What would happen to your famiily and friends. Would they miss you? Or would they be glad that you weren't a burden anymore. Very sad and morbid thoughts but you couldn't help it. Before you could get lost in thought sunghoon started to talk

"Yeah it makes me gloomy sometimes too but it's okay but not okay if that makes sense"

"Well sunghoon I was thinking that you and me could try our best to live like regular teens? Like I dunno maybe we could go to basketball games, movies, maybe mall trips stuff like that?" You braced yourself for the worst. You were so scared of the rejection even if it was just between friends.

"That's a really great idea y/n! I've always wanted to do all that stuff but I didn't really have friends my age around here but now I do!!"

"I'm really glad you agreed sunghoon! My schools having a home game next week would you wanna go?"

"Yes I do really want to go! Will I be able to meet your friends?"

"Yeah I'll let them know that we're going!"

That was not as bad as you thought. You thought that he was gonna reject you and never speak to you ever again, but once again you over reacted and he wants to be your friend still!!

"Y/n I'm gonna be honest though I'm a little nervous. Ive never gone to a high school game before and ice skating didn't really help my socialness like my parents though it would.."

"It's okay sunghoon, they're super fun and people at my school are going to be nice to you. Especially the girls they'll think you're a model or something. They'll be obsessed."

"Hm? Do you think I'm attractive?"

Uhm no? Yes? What was the right response??

₍⁠₍⁠ ⁠◝⁠(⁠　ﾟ⁠∀⁠ ﾟ⁠ ⁠)⁠◟⁠ ⁠⁾⁠⁾

[sadbigemini]

Hiya! It's been a bit since I've done fic prompts so here are a few today. These are from Bungo Stray Dogs which is new ik. Also a fun fact yesterday was my birthday. I'm not liking the responsibility and expectations that come with this age lmao. Oh, some of these have probably already been done but 🤷

What if the ADA switches places with the Port Mafia?

Oda is killed by someone different who had a grudge against him. Maybe they have a time rewinding ability? Idk but Oda didn't kill them sadly.

And instead of making his dying wish for Dazai to be a good person he asks him to avenge him and his kids.

And Dazai agrees...

They all have practically the same personalities (and abilities) just the Mafia who are now ADA aren't straight up murderous.

Just imagine the ADA commiting crimes

Like Ranpo coming up with the strategies, Kunikida as an executive, Yosano as an executive, Fukuzawa being a mafia boss, Junichiro being an assassin who is always up for murder, Naomi being a secretary who knows how to fight but is severely underestimated, and KENJI BEING IN THE MAFIA

Oh, mori isn't a pedo bc I think if Chuuya got to be the good guy he wouldn't let that slide.

Yosano still has the same backstory but maybe mori was a bit better but still felt pressure from war and the higher ups and stuff idk

Beast!Atsushi kinda idk if it would be Beast!Dazai sooo

Beast!Akutagawa but Chuuya is his mentor and Higuchi is like his partner. Kinda like Kunikida and Dazai

Chuuya used to be in the Port Mafia

Idk how or why Fukuzawa became the mafia boss???

Gin is in the ADA too

I think Tachihara would still have to be in the mafia?? Or maybe bc the ADA is always bumping heads with mafia that it would still be a place where he can gather info. Maybe the ADA is also under suspicion for something??

Idk wtf Hirotsu or Kouyou would be doing at the ADA tbh

Chuuya and Ango still have beef

What if Nakajima Atsushi tried to run away from the orphanage? Way before he was kicked out. What if Oda Sakunosuke found him?

Oda would have Atsushi stay where the other orphans were living.

Atsushi would also have a job at that diner or whatever it is.

And then he would help babysit his fellow little orphans whenever they arrived.

Atsushi saved the kids but he got hurt and lost control of his ability. He killed some of the Mimic members before passing out to heal from the bullet wounds. The tiger has never had to heal from anything so severe before. So, as the tiger had control she made him hide until he healed.

Oda finds him though with the help of the kids.

Idk what else :/

X-Files Crossover

Dazai Osamu as Fox Mulder and Nakahara Chuuya as Dana Scully.

Kunikida Doppo can be one of Mulder’s alien hunter friends or maybe two Scullys??

Atsushi and Akutagawa could be newbie agents that were assigned to the X-Files

Katai would definitely be one of the alien hunter friends

I don't think abilities should exist but if you could spin it in a good way go for it

Yosano could be a doctor or former doctor turned dominatrix friend that Dazai has

Ranpo could join the X-Files bc normal cases are boring or he could be an alien hunter friend

Fyodor is an alien

Sigma was abducted by aliens and doesn't remember anything from before

Chuuya had been abducted by aliens as a child but doesn't remember it. And thinks he was kidnapped by regular old people and hit his head or trauma blocked it out

Ango and Oda can either be higher-ups or alien hunter friends

Higuchi is a fellow newbie

Gin is in college or something

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : Available on Ao3

Story Content : Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Sadism/Masochism, Dom/Sub, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapter 19: Why am I this way?

Chapter title is lyrics from "LosT"

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It was 7.35pm when I knocked on Oli’s door.

He’d sent me a text saying he’d come by my room around 8, instructing me to cover up – preferably in layers, and while bewildering, I’d done as he wished; slipping the sweater that Liam had hated so much over my mesh top and jeans outfit.

The only problem was that after having spent several hours attempting to stay sane as the guilt inside me expanded and grew until I felt like a fucking pressure pot, I decided that I couldn’t wait until the time Oli had decided to come and collect me.

Instead I took matters into my own hands, even though the hands in question were currently so sweaty I had to continuously wipe them on my jeans as I waited for him to open the door.

I took a deep breath, trying to collect my scattered thoughts.

I knew Oli and I weren’t a couple, and I knew I didn’t necessarily owe him anything, yet it still felt as if I’d just cheated on him by kissing Mat.

By enjoying kissing Mat.

While I knew it was perfectly normal to date, and even get physical, with more than one person at a time, I’d never actually done it before, and because it was all very new to me I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that I’d committed some terrible, unforgivable crime.

Which had me questioning if I only felt this way because of my anxiety, or if my feelings were warranted and I was just a horrible person, playing Russian roulette with people’s hearts.

Pull yourself together, Alice. You haven’t even slept with Mat.

I dried my sweaty palms on my jeans again, wondering what was taking Oli so damn long.

Wondering if I should knock again.

Just as my fist was about to connect with the door, it finally swung open with Oli behind it, fully in black with a half buttoned dress shirt, his tattoos spilling out from every hem.

He squinted at me, eyeing me up with suspicion, “You’re early, and in the wrong place.”

The door opened further to let me inside.

As I walked past him I was hit by the wonderful way he smelled, which was stronger than usual considering he was in the middle of getting ready and had probably just applied whatever magic product that produced it.

“I’m sorry, we need to talk.” I said distantly, slightly distracted as my attention went from his enthralling scent to immediately take in the room before me.

It had a similar light and airy colour scheme as mine and Liam’s room, but the ceilings were even higher, with a massive bed facing a stone fireplace on the opposite wall.

But the real showstopper was the view.

You could see the entire lake from the row of large arch windows, and since the sun had just gone down the mirror image of the moon was slowly dancing on the calm surface of the water.

“What about?” He asked, sounding even more suspicious than he looked as he shut the door.

Deciding I couldn’t stand up during this conversation, I walked over to the end of the bed and took a seat.

“Mat.” I felt myself starting to disassociate ever so slightly as I said his name out loud.

He was in the middle of buttoning his shirt as I spoke, causing his fingers to stop what they were doing entirely.

“About you and Mat?”

“Yes.” My gaze fell to the floor out of shame.

He audibly exhaled before walking over to sit next to me on the bed.

The mattress shifted from the pressure, but I didn’t dare face him, didn’t dare see his expression as the sound of my heart beating in my ears got louder and louder during the heavy silence that had fallen between us.

“Do you still want to go on this date with me?” He asked softly, with so much sadness in his voice that my eyes involuntarily flew straight to him.

Large hazel eyes, framed by hair that had been tamed into more defined locks, were swimming with vulnerability as they looked at me, causing the ache in my heart to intensify tenfold.

“Very much.” I answered with certainty.

He studied my face as several emotions flickered over his features.

“Then I don’t need to know.” He stated casually before he shot out of bed to continue buttoning his shirt.

Feeling panicked, I frowned deeply, knowing I needed to tell him what happened before I fucking exploded.

“Wait, but–” I started, but he cut me off instantly, raising his voice in the process.

“Alice!” He bit out, shooting me daggers for a split second before his expression softened. He walked back over to me, reaching down to scoop up my hands into his, guiding me to stand before him, “Let tonight be about us.” He pleaded.

As I looked up at the man that was glowing with so much adoration for me that it caused my chest to constrict, I knew I didn’t have a choice but to answer his plea, knowing my heart wouldn’t allow anything else.

“Okay.” I said under my breath, reluctantly.

His pleading features shifted to a warm smile, tension slipping away from him, “Thank you.”

Letting go of my hands he skipped over to the window for a quick look at the sky as he finished doing the last of his buttons.

“Come on, love.” Is all he said before he took my hand and hurried us to the exit, not allowing me another second to reconsider my decision, or to start up another conversation.

The look he shot me after shutting the door was so full of excitement I couldn’t help but smile back at his sparkling grin, some of the anxiety from not having told him what transpired between me and his best friend melting away in the process.

But confusion quickly claimed me instead, as I was being pulled in the opposite direction of the elevator.

“Wait, where are we going?” I laughed.

“Oh, don't you worry about that.” Stopping at the emergency exit at the end of the corridor, he shot me yet another devil's grin before pushing the door open, leading to a winding staircase.

“Are we allowed to do this?” I heard my words echo in the stairwell as we quickly ascended the steps.

“Turns out, when you pay people they let you do whatever you want really.” He looked back at me, “Well, within reason of course.”

“I see, so is that what you’re doing with me then?” I asked teasingly, causing him to laugh as we reached the top of the stairs that had led us to a large door.

“While I fucking love calling you my whore, I was hoping your reasons for following my orders when we’re alone wasn’t for monetary purposes.” He said with a suggestive smile, pushing the door open.

It was so dark at first that I didn’t see anything, but my eyes quickly adjusted.

We were standing on the rooftop of the hotel looking out over the lake, the short stone wall perimeter adorned in fairy lights, and a large pile of blankets and pillows in the very middle, next to a tray with drinks and some food.

Oli let go of my hand and began walking backwards towards the blankets, arms stretched out, looking proud of what he’d set up for us, “What do you think?”

I was in awe as I took in the space.

The thought struck me that I’d never had anyone prepare such a romantic date for me before.

“This isn’t what I expected.” I breathed.

With a frown his arms fell to his sides, “Disappointed?”

“No, it’s incredible – perfect, actually.” The smile returned to his features as he walked back towards me, “I was just expecting– I guess I thought you wanted us to be more open about us, and this is very… private.” 

He came to a stop in front of me, “We are more open – everyone knows we’re on a date right now– besides, I just wanted to get you alone again, no distractions this time, just you and me, so I can spend more time with you.” The suggestive grin returned as he leaned in closer, “Which is why I told you to cover up.”

I felt my brows furrow, “Because I’m distracting?”

“There’s nothing more distracting, love.” He said so seriously I almost laughed.

It was my turn to be suggestive, “I was covered up for most of last night, you still ended up coming twice.”

A light breeze came as his eyes darkened, causing his locks to sweep over his face, gently rustling the trees all around us, “You may have been in a baggy sweater, love, but I knew what was on display under that poor excuse for a skirt, barely covering your ass.” As he spoke his gaze wandered to my lips, the air quickly filling with the familiar electricity that always seemed to fly between us. 

Yet this time it stirred discomfort in me, as if it didn’t feel right to do this without him knowing about me and Mat.

“Not to mention the absolutely perverted lipstick you’d chosen, how was I not supposed to play with it? As soon as I saw it on your fuckable little mouth I knew exactly what I wanted to do.” His thumb was just about to connect with my lower lip, hovering not even an inch from it, to rub it just like he’d done last night. 

Heat spread throughout my whole body.

But the imminent physical contact also made me tense up; made me want to blurt out that I felt his friend's erection between my legs earlier, despite him not needing to know; despite him making it very clear that he doesn’t want to know.

Thankfully the hand fell away right as it touched me, with Oli shaking his head.

“None of that, come with me.” He said flatly, eyes wide, clearly attempting to keep us on track so we wouldn’t just spend all night fucking, which, for once, I was extremely grateful for.

Taking my hand, he swiftly led us to the blanket pile that he proceeded to lay down on, patting the space next to him for me to get comfortable as well.

As I took a seat, I paused to look at him, my heart still screaming to tell him what happened, making me question why I needed him to know so badly, while also wishing intensely that I didn’t feel like this at all so I could simply enjoy the night.

A couple of frown lines appeared on Oli’s forehead as I wordlessly stared at him, “Come on, love, lay down with me.”

His words were spoken gently, clearly worried, either about me or whatever he assumed was running through my head.

Attempting to shake off my thoughts, I did as he requested, making sure to leave a bit of space between us, not feeling steady enough for physical contact.

But my intrusive thoughts melted away effortlessly as soon as my head hit the pillow.

My eyes had adjusted further to the darkness, allowing me to now see the massive blanket of twinkling stars above us.

Having lived in cities my whole life, the night sky I knew looked nothing like this.

“That’s amazing.” I said distantly, lost in the natural beauty above us.

“I love the stars, I don’t get to see them too often though.” He said with wonder in his voice.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them this clearly.” The longer I looked the more my eyes adjusted, causing even more stars to appear, this time with very faint washes of colours behind them, giving me the illusion that someone was painting the vision before me as I watched.

“I used to dread coming here.” He started, and while Mat had already told me that, I wasn’t about to interrupt him as he opened up to me, “The first time was a bloody nightmare, thought I’d rip my hair out with how little there is to do. But that was back when I needed constant distraction to stay sane – also back when ketamine was a bigger problem.” He tilted his head towards me for a second, I would have met his eyes but they quickly returned to the night sky as he continued with his story.

“Second year they had to essentially drag me here, but I came more prepared – mostly with a lot of weed,” He huffed out a nervous laugh, as if talking about his old self had mentally brought him back there, “Bumped into a janitor as I was heading out to find somewhere nice to sit and smoke – stuffy old fella, he smelled the weed on me and pointed out that it’s not allowed here, but I could tell he didn’t actually give a shit, so thought I’d try offering him some. All he did was shrug and led us up to this roof to get high.” 

I felt myself smile, trying to imagine some rigid old man hanging out with Oli in his twenties.

“We had fuck-all in common; he was in his 60’s, religious man, never heard of our band – pretty sure he thought metal music was the devils music, but turned out his wife had just died so I don’t think he cared much about anything anymore.” He paused for a moment, sighing before he continued, “He was honestly kind of a prick, but he loved the stars, knew all the names of the constellations – told me them too. He tried really hard to describe exactly where they were, but none of it stuck, probably cause none of it really made sense to me.”

At some point my gaze had wandered to Oli as he spoke, his eyes sparkling as he dreamily stared at the sky above us, lost in his story. 

"Never saw him again either, don’t even remember his name, but every year after that I’ve been coming up here to look at the stars – well, whenever the weather would allow it. But since I never learned the proper names, I’ve just sort of been making up my own from whatever shape I see that night – kind of like cloud gazing. Like over there, that totally looks like a car, doesn’t it?”

He moved a bit closer, our shoulders connecting as he pointed towards an area in the sky, his intoxicating smell flooding me.

I swallowed, attempting to focus on what he was showing me, but I couldn’t see anything that even remotely resembled a car.

“I can’t tell if I’m blind, or if you’re making it up, but there’s no way there’s anything car-shaped there.” I retorted as steady as I could, trying to keep the mood light.

Trying not to be too distracted by his proximity.

However, that immediately became impossible when he turned to his side and moved even closer, pressing his warm, slightly stubbly cheek to mine, causing my breath to hitch before he took my hand, pointing my index finger to the shape he was trying to describe in the sky.

“You see these six stars here…” He spoke softly as he guided my finger in a circle over the six stars, his warm breath fanning my face, smelling minty, “That’s the front wheel – and these ones over here…” My finger was directed in a shape that loosely resembled an oval, a bit to the right of the circle, which was hard to follow since my attention has been hijacked by how his thighs rubbed against mine, how his hand so tenderly held my fingers in his, and how his hair tickled my face in the gentle breeze of the night, “That’s the back wheel. Then finally, this riiiight here…” Trailing my finger in the most jagged arch possible, I couldn’t help but frown as the vehicle appeared in the sky above me, “That’s the top of the car. You see it?”

It was truly one of the most horrible renditions of a car I could imagine.

“Oli, the only way you could convince me that’s a car is if a small child drew it.”

He laughed as he laid back down on his back, angling himself in such a way that our shoulders and temples touched, “That’s fair, it’s not my best work. You try one.”

It took me a moment before I even began searching the sky, being suddenly overwhelmed by the emotions building in my chest, which only multiplied when Oli sighed, snuggling his head into mine even more.

There seemed to be a confusing duality with every emotion I felt in the presence of the man next to me; pain made me feel pleasure, happiness so easily caused panic, and I found comfort in the discomfort he so deliciously crafted for me.

Which sadly meant that the most perfect night I could imagine was currently being ruined by the soul crushing guilt that intensified every time I was reminded of how I felt about him.

How I wanted nothing more than to cuddle into him right now, yet feeling like I didn’t deserve the joy it would bring me.

“Nothing, love?” He asked after a while.

“Not yet, just a bit longer.”

My eyes had been mindlessly searching as I filtered through my thoughts, and finally I saw something.

“Oh– a smiley face!” I exclaimed with a bit too much excitement than the situation warranted.

“Show me.” He said before pushing his arm under my neck, wrapping his other hand around my thigh in order to pull me close, nestling me up against him.

My pulse sped up as I was flooded with more emotions; more discomfort; more happiness; more panic.

With a slightly shaky hand I started tracing the mouth, “Right there.” I whispered.

He pressed his face closer to mine to get a better look.

“Oh yeah, I see it.” He breathed, before reaching for one of the spare blankets, draping it over us as we laid tangled up with my head on his shoulder.

It was a fairly warm night, and the blanket was thin, not adding much warmth or weight to us, yet it felt as if I was suffocating as I listened to his heartbeat under my ear, my fingers restlessly playing with the buttons of his shirt, his hand on my arm caressing me tenderly, lovingly.

I should be happy – content – yet the wonderful sensations caused my heart to break.

He released another long sigh, holding me even closer, and I could barely take it anymore.

“It’s all you can think about, isn’t it? The stuff with Mat.”

The question took me by surprise, even though I realised my mood was very clearly written all over me.

“Yes.” Afraid to say it out loud, the word had barely been a whisper.

He rolled me onto my back, perching himself on his elbow so he could look at me during this conversation.

Tears stung my eyes as I looked at him hovering over me, his beautiful dark locks falling over worried features, with the starlit sky as his backdrop.

I felt such deep disappointment in myself for not being able to let it go, not being able to stop the guilt from eating me alive.

The stunning man above me visibly tensed, his worried features turning increasingly serious, “Do you have feelings for him?”

Shaking my head, I answered with confidence, “No, I don’t.”

It was too soon, all I felt for Mat right now was interest – curiosity.

And attraction.

His eyes pinned me, “Then please, Alice, drop it.” 

A tear ran down the side of my face, “I can’t.” 

“Why?” He asked through clenched teeth, frustration clearly taking hold of him.

“Because it feels like I’ve cheated, and you said that was a dealbreaker.”

While it had been obvious something had happened between me and Mat from the moment I stepped into Oli’s hotel room tonight, this was the first time I’d said something that had actually confirmed it.

With that confession, some of the pressure inside me began to ease, making me want to tell him everything, despite Oli’s wishes.

Despite how much pain and anger was twisting his features, the volatile energy radiating off of him in waves as he wordlessly glared at me.

When he finally spoke the words were low, aggressive, “You aren’t mine.”

Logically I knew I wasn’t, I knew we weren’t a couple, yet the words stung and burned like acid.

“Then why does it feel like I am?” I whispered, more tears running into my hairline.

For a moment I thought he was about to break down, to join me in tears as I whispered the words, but the anger returned immediately, the air so thick with it I could barely breathe. 

“But you’re not. You’re not ready to commit to me, to be mine, are you?”

I wasn’t – not yet, not with this many unanswered questions; not with this much confusion.

Not with this many fears.

So I shook my head in response, not able to speak the words.

“Then fucking drop it.”

The words were already on my lips as he pleaded for me to keep the information to myself, begging me to spare him the details, knowing it would only hurt him further.

Yet I couldn’t stop myself.

“We kissed.”

His hand was suddenly at my throat, baring his teeth, a mixture of intense disbelief and pure rage burning in his eyes.

But it only made me want to keep sharing, keep pushing the knife in deeper.

“I also walked in on him last night, when he was– right as he–”

The tears were streaming from my eyes as I clumsily pushed the words out of me, needing them to leave my mouth so they’d stop torturing me. 

The furious man above me digging his nails into the flesh of my neck, yet refusing to apply any pressure that would stop me from speaking.

“Shut the fuck up, Alice.” He spat.

“...Right as he came.” A sense of relief washed over me as I finished my sentence.

His chest was heaving, the fingers on my throat shaking as the nails dug in deeper, hurting me in a way that did nothing but make me feel infinitely better as the pressure inside me subsided.

Meanwhile the pressure inside Oli was building, threatening to explode.

But that’s what I want, isn't it? For him to take it out on me, so I can feel less guilty.

Unease settled in my stomach at the realisation.

“Did you like it?” His words were mocking, vicious, dripping with uncontained fury. 

I nodded, feeling dizzy from the intense mixture of emotions and sensations, my uncontrollable tears flooding my eyes further, turning the man above me blurry before each blink.

He studied my face as he worked overtime to control his rage, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t want to have any secrets with you.”

With a sharp inhale the anger immediately fell away from him as I spoke the words I’d realised last night in my bunk, knowing that I couldn’t consider potentially starting something with Oli while keeping secrets.

“B-but that’s not the only reason.” I pressed on, knowing that not keeping secrets included sharing the realisation that hit me just a moment ago.

The fury returned to his features like it never left; as if he could read my mind.

“You want me to punish you, don’t you? So you’ll feel better?”

I felt my whole face twist in pain as the guilt punched me in the gut, hating how he already knew, hating how right he was.

Hating myself for being like this, for torturing him in the process.

“At any point did you stop to think how deeply fucking selfish that is?”

“I know– I know, I’m not expecting it, I’m so sorry, Oli. P-please, forgive me. I just wanted to enjoy tonight with you so badly– I, I’m–”

The hand on my throat moved to my mouth, covering it firmly, effectively putting an end to my rambling apology.

I blinked away more tears as he pushed my legs apart with his, the furious, unwavering stare darkening as he mounted me, the blanket that he’d so lovingly wrapped us up in just moments ago falling away from our bodies in the process.

“Do you want me to fuck the pain away?”

The air, already sickly thick from rage and pain, turned thicker still with lust, my whole body screaming for his; needing the sweetest of release that only he could offer, more than I needed air.

I nodded slowly against his hand, feeling shame for admitting it considering the circumstances.

His eyes darkened further, his hair falling over them, rendering them barely visible above me as his hips connected with mine, grinding his already solid length against my pussy so hard it hurt in the most delightful of ways through the thick fabric of my jeans, making him inhale a ragged breath while I moaned into his hand, blinking away more tears.

“I want to be more than your painkiller, Alice.” I could feel a deep heartbeat between my legs with his erection pressed against me, his breath coming heavier in the process, “But the relief works both ways, and I’m suffering a fair bit right now.”

He ground down on me again, my back arching into him, my legs wrapping around him.

Studying my face, he let go of my mouth, causing our breaths to mingle in the night air as another gust of wind rustled the trees.

“You’ll need a safeword tonight.” He breathed, “Say red if you want me to stop entirely, and pink if you want me to ease up. I will not fucking listen to any other words, you can scream ‘no’ till you turn blue – I won’t give a shit. Are we clear?” He asked, glaring at me.

A shiver ran through me.

Excitement, fear, adrenaline, and curiosity all blossomed in my chest, making me feel incredible.

Making me feel alive.

“We’re clear.”

He visibly swallowed, “Alright.”

Pushing off of me entirely, he crouched to collect me, effortlessly throwing me over his shoulder.

My heart was racing so fast I thought it would beat right out of my chest as he took long strides towards the door.

I realised I hadn’t thought this through, that he was probably taking me to his room – that we’d have to walk through the corridor that had been bustling with people every time I’d used it – including the other band members.

“Wait!” I yelled as he pushed the door open to the stairs, and was immediately met with a sharp pain on my behind, burning as the hand that had caused the pain trailed down towards my thigh, the thumb brushing over my pussy in the process. 

“That’s not the fucking safeword, is it?” His words echoed in the stairwell, followed immediately by another burning slap, the caressing thumb pressed harder against my core this time.

I whimpered in pain, considering using the safeword already, to avoid any potential awkwardness on our way to his room.

Which was foolish of me, knowing damn well how badly I needed this.

So I shut up, accepting that whatever happens, happens.

As soon as we were flooded by the bright light of the hotel corridor Oli spoke, causing my heart to sink.

“Hiya, mate, you alright?” The aggressive energy in his voice remained unchanged as he spoke the casual words.

“Yeah, good thanks.”

I felt myself go ice cold.

I couldn’t see him, but I knew that voice; it was Mat.

He’d answered flatly, sounding distant, obviously shocked by the vision before him.

But Oli didn’t falter, he never stopped taking long strides – nor did he stop inflicting pain on me.

When Mat’s legs entered my peripheral vision as we passed him, I felt another slap, growing more painful each time it happened, making me whimper louder.

I looked up at Mat through my hair as I was helplessly being dragged off, his eyes were dark with some unreadable emotion as he stood by his room, clutching his keycard.

All I could do was let him stare at me while my expression involuntarily melted into obvious pleasure as fingers dragged over my pussy, before we disappeared into Oli’s room.

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[dark-frosted-heart]

Book of Memories ~ Clavis, Jin, Sariel ~ Part 2

Collection story

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this.

~~ Flashback continues ~~

The 3rd prince Clavis, with his golden eyes filled with curiosity, his refreshing and proud expression, and perfectly groomed appearance made Jin feel overwhelmed, but the latter smiled as if to brush it off.

Jin: So you're Clavis. Sorry, I'm the one that's supposed to introduce myself, but I got too caught up in my studies.

Clavis: Don't worry about it. I wanted to come see you.

Jin: Thanks. Though it's oddly stressful to suddenly have such an imposing younger brother.

Clavis: What do you mean by that?

Jin: I'm older and guys don't want to look uncool. Not only that, I just became a prince so it's even more stressful.

Clavis: Phew. You're pretty warm.

Jin: You're not so cold yourself.

Clavis: Ah, you're right. It's higher than Chevalier.

Jin: Chevalier's the 2nd prince, that prickly blond guy right?

Clavis: Yep. You better watch out around that guy, especially when he's reading. If you bother him, he'll cut you down.

Jin: A strong personality. Whoops, I've been speaking so casually when I should use some more respect since you're my senior. Should I call you "Clavis-senpai"?

Clavis: Clavis-senpai...!

His eyes brightened up, but he held his small hands out as if to contain himself.

Clavis: It sounds nice, but you can call me Clavis. No need to be so formal. We're brothers after all! Ah, but you can call me that in your head if you want.

Jin: Uh-huh...

Clavis: Back to my main point, you've haven't been at court for long. That's why I've prepared some useful information for your immediate use-

Jin: Oh, I think I hear Sariel calling me.

Clavis: Wait, I'm still talking-

Jin: Sorry, maybe next time. See ya, Clavis.

Clavis: Ah, wait Jin. Listen to me!

When he didn't hear footsteps and a voice following after him anymore, Jin stopped and leaned against a windowsill.

Jin: Still being someone else's problem... ... Give me a break...

The complaints and sighs were carried away by the wind.

Jin shook his head in annoyance and returned to his daily routine.

--

Jin: You're going to the party with me?

Clavis: If my older brother Jin's going, then I'm going too. The party we're going to is going to full of obstinate people. But don't you worry. They all love art so if you bring up a thing or two, they'll start bragging. If any of those guys say anything rude, I'll spike their drink with pepper!

Jin: Oh, how dependable. How about I hold onto that pepper in case you drop it?

Clavis: Okay!

--

Jin: This guy's got some gaudy sweets again. Some don't even look like sweets...

Clavis: I heard you got a perfect score on your test so we're having a tea party to celebrate!

Jin: Oh, is that why?

Clavis: Not at all! You got a good score because you studied really hard. But even if you got a bad score, I'd still reward you for your hard work. I recommend the strawberry cake. I'll brew some tea.

His small hand pointed at a plate with a cake of unique shape and color along with strawberries sticking out.

Jin raised his brows in suspicion before putting a fork full in his mouth.

Clavis: It's good, isn't it?

Jin: I-It's...unique.

Clavis: You mean it tastes like something no one else's made before? Well that's because I, a genius, made it myself. I've made sweets for my younger brothers, but never for an older brother.

Jin: ...

Clavis: There's still plenty more so eat as much as you want.

Jin: Yeah...thanks.

More eccentric than most, Clavis was an unrestrained and lively typhoon that visited Jin almost every day.

Although they appeared to be like close brothers, Jin had still not adjusted to his new environment and so had a hard time accepting the fact that he had siblings.

Even so, he didn't take Clavis' concern for him lightly.

Jin, who was more awkward than most, continued to pretend to not notice that he was suppressing his true feelings.

--

Sariel: It seems that Prince Clavis has taken a shine to you.

One afternoon in the library-

Jin was studying in the corner when Sariel silently approached him.

Jin: Fortunately? Don't know why though. But...if we're going to be brothers, than it's better than being treated poorly.

Sariel: You... No, nevermind.

Jin: It makes sense. I'm curious, but if there's not much to it, then I won't question it. Even so, being popular would be a pain. It's just been me and my mom for most of my life so I'm overwhelmed by my little brother's proactive approach. I haven't been greeted by my other brothers yet, so I guess that's just Clavis.

Sariel: Yes. He's the most proactive of the brothers, or rather, of the whole court.

Jin: Will you feel nostalgic about it someday?

Sariel: Fufu, I'm not a brother or anything like that so it's unlikely. Moreover, I currently have my hands full with traps so I'd rather not.

Jin: The guy in question's gonna cry if he heard you.

As Jin laughs, Sariel glances at the thick stack of books spread out on the table.

Sariel: You've been studying all morning, so why don't you take a break? They say that working to hard is harmful to the body.

Jin: Oh yeah...Guess I've been immersed in lessons all morning. I don't like studying, but it's the only thing keeping my mind occupied so I don't hate it.

Sariel: ... One more thing. If there's anything you want, please let me know.

Jin: Want? That's sudden.

Sariel: Since you've always lived as a commoner, this isn't a a pleasant place to live. Yet you never complain and study hard to acquire the skills needed. I believe it's not unreasonable to be selfish for once. I'll negotiate with the senior bureaucrats, okay?

Jin: ... I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

However Jin never told Sariel what he wanted...

Then one day, a small incident occurred.

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